I watch you. I watch you watch them. The pair labeled your “best friends”and the other one. They laugh and touch and a little girl gravitational force pulls them together as it repels you.
I watch you. I watch the jealousy and anger coil up inside you and I hope that it finds release before you snap inappropriately. You stare unblinkingly with your ice blue eyes and the look is pure hurt because you are left out.
I watch you. I watch as your new friend, “Well maybe friend,” you’ve said, “but not yet” walks up to you and you don’t even acknowledge her presence. I talk to her and compliment her sweatshirt and make pleasantries, which you should be doing, but you don’t because you can’t stop staring across the blacktop as your best friends and the other laugh at something. They are too far away, so we cannot hear what they laugh at, but we can see they are having fun without you.
I watch you. I watch as the second maybe new friend walks up and you ignore her too. Opportunities surround you but you can’t see them because you want to be over there with them in their class. You want the comfort of last year. You want familiar. You want to be inside the threesome again and not stuck outside looking in. The two maybe new friends stand silently ignored and you continue fester until you turn and say, “I told you I’m not popular anymore.”
I want to hurl idiotic phrases at you. You catch more flies with honey. Life isn’t fair. Make new friends, but keep the old. I want to stop your stare and refocus it on the sweet kids around you. I want to plaster over your hurt and wounded heart and tell you it will be okay, but I don’t do any of that. It might not be okay. You might lash out at your old friends and miss the opportunity for new friends. You might lose them all. I wish for a tree to sprout between your class’s line and the other class’s line so that you don’t have to see them having fun without you. I know it might be a long and lonely year.
I think of Rachel and Stacy 34 years ago on my playground. I remember wishing for what they had: for the heads close together and the whispers and hand games and true friendship and wondering, “How do they do that?” I remember longing for what they had, but never finding it. I watch you and hope the hurt of my third grade isn’t repeated in the next generation with a different pain of loss instead of longing.
I watch you and feel the agony of a mother’s anguish. I watch you and hope it will be okay.
The bell rings and the pain of everything makes reach for a hug and kiss, needing to be loved too much to remember I’m embarrassing. I pour my heart into you, because you are loved and you are amazing and you can do this, and then we part. I watch you. I watch you walk away alone.