Tag: funny

AAA Battery Emergency

On By aftheadIn Tickles my afthead, Uncategorized33 Comments


Normally when I see these trucks I am driving and can’t snap a good picture – they have all turned out so blurry, especially on the highway – but today, gasp one parked!  I love the idea of emergencies that need AAA Batteries Delivered and Installed.

  • Help!  I’ve got friends and family over to watch the big game and we can’t get the volume to turn up using my remote control!
  • The incessant beeping of the smoke detector is driving me insane.  I thought all of these things took a 9-volt!
  • The ridiculously tiny flashlight I keep in my  medicine cabinet to look at sore throats is so dim, I can’t tell if we should go to the doctor!
  • The cats are destroying my furniture ever since the laser pointer stopped making the super-duper-fun red dot!
  • It’s Christmas morning, and guess what we forgot to buy?  None of the new toys work!

It makes me feel secure knowing that my AAA Battery emergencies can be solved with a simple phone call.  I’m so glad I’m a member.

Does this translate at all to international readers?  As this is my second hysterical battery post I worry that I am alienating all those readers from across the pond that use some other battery nomenclature.

 

I am a Stalkerish Blogging Friend

On By aftheadIn Uncategorized13 Comments

Don’t think I’m not paying attention to you, blogging friends.  Don’t think that I don’t walk the aisles of Target thinking about you and your blog posts about your childhood dreams and your strange obsessions, because I do.  I think about you all the time.

@whereshappy, You remember your post about the Barbie head?  I commented on it, because like you, I never got the disembodied Barbie head as a child. I confessed that I can also can’t do hair now, and shared my deep dark secret that my mother dared to buy my daughter the toy she wouldn’t buy me.  Maybe that just seemed like a normal comment to you, an innocent exchange, but it wasn’t.  Months later when I was at Target I saw this doll, complete with “Cut & Restyle EXTENSIONS!” and hands with fingernails and I took a picture just for you, so that you would know I was thinking about you.  I didn’t send it to you, but I took the picture…just…for…you.

@amiewrites74, I know you haven’t been able to find Cadbury mini-eggs until just recently.  You’ve been blogging about them over and over and over and over.  I’m not as good a friend as your friend Violet – see I even know your friends names and how nice they are – so I didn’t send you a box of them, but I did take a picture of the monster display in the aisles of Target for you.  You can’t really tell, but there are normal mini-eggs, white chocolate mini-eggs and dark chocolate mini-eggs.  You’ve never talked about the dark chocolate ones, so I told you in the comments of your most recent post.  I hope my news offsets the creepiness of my actions.  (I don’t want to let you know that I really don’t like Cadbury mini-eggs for fear I’ll chase you away as my blogging friend.)  #Minieggsallyearlong

So blogging friends, don’t worry, I’m paying attention, and maybe the next time I’m at Target I’ll be thinking of you…

No one cares that I’m sick

On By aftheadIn Uncategorized10 Comments

Oh man, I have been so sick.  I’ve had this nasty cough and cold for 10 days and haven’t been able to write or blog anything.  My mind, a haze of sleep deprivation and germiness, just couldn’t come up with anything anyone would want to read.

At 2:30 a.m. I’d lie awake in a stupor and think, “I’m going to blog about how much this cough syrup I bought sucks.  I’m going to tell my readers about how it’s left me stuck between sleep and awake and hasn’t even calmed my cough as it promised.”  Thankfully I had enough awareness to know that no one wants to read that.  Also the cough syrup had caused my fingers to become detached from my body floating lazily near my hands, but immovable.

Standing in the shower using the gross NeilMed sinus wash bottle to rinse out my nose – must avoid a sinus infection – I ponder how much money this peddler of squishy bottles and salt packets is worth.  Maybe he’s one of those people who makes $99,000 every two weeks.  My mind wanders to why so many salt packets come with each bottle I purchase, because I know I have an entire shoebox of salt packets in my linen closet: enough to rinse my nose out every day for years.  I’m distracted from my revery by the green snot crab that has just landed in the bathtub and squiggles down the drain.  After I dry off I realize that I should not blog about rinsing out my nose, because no one wants to read that.

This morning I woke up and knew I was feeling better because the words and stories returned to my brain.  Soap day, my pretty fingernails, the flat-aloes I saw yesterday and the beautiful weather all poured into my head as likely blog topics I needed to write.  Then my mind jumped to the critique I received on my novel from an agent and I longed to go downstairs and start removing the piles of “He smiled, he walked, he looked” worthless phrases from my novel.  She said it made my story plod, and I don’t want to plod, I want to fly.

It’s such a relief to have the story gates open again and be able to step away from the sickness induced drivel that was drifting through my head the past ten days.  I can’t wait to get started, but first I’m going to post publish on this post.  I hope it doesn’t go viral.

Ba dum bum, ching!

How do I make it work?!?

On By aftheadIn Tickles my afthead1 Comment

 The instructions on the back of my new clock are confusing.  Do I need a C battery, or not?  Perhaps I need two AA batteries, which are included?  Perhaps some other alternative energy source is provided-solar panels or fusion-but when that runs out I’ll need a C battery, which is not included.  What if I’m not in the USA, the only country where this statement is applicable, is the battery included or is there a different power requirement altogether?  What would happen if my husband took this on a business trip to the UK?  Would he get additional clarification?

My friends, the answer, if required, is not included.

Surface screen showing date far into the future

Hello from the future!

On By aftheadIn Tickles my afthead4 Comments

Today I logged into my writing Surface and was shocked by the date that appeared in the corner of my screen.  Apparently, while walking downstairs to my study, I miraculously transported almost 64 years into the future!  I’m feeling pretty spry for 103 years old, and look darn good if I do say so myself.  My 66 year old cat jumped onto my desk: for sure a record for world’s oldest cat.

The future was not without disappointment.  I was horrified to find that my Surface was still running Internet Explorer 11 and Windows 8.1.  Still no invitation to upgrade to Windows 10 either.  A quick glance out the window verfied that there are no flying cars, at least, not that I could see from the basement.  I’m off to see if Google still exists, and if it does, try to find where my ancient husband and 71 year old daughter are.  I bet they’ve been worried sick.

Super Duper Excited about Healthy Snacks!

On By aftheadIn Tickles my afthead10 Comments

There’s a new vending machine at work named “Healthy Vend”.  It’s been there for almost a month now.  It accepts a wide variety of payment options: cash, coins, several credit cards and Apple Pay.  Everything in it is $1.00, so it’s a super convenient and inexpensive way to grab something when I forgot my lunch or need a quick snack to tide me over before dinner.


The best part is that the snacks are not only healthy, but they are also invisible!  Or maybe they just want to give health nuts the joy of buying something out of a vending machine, while not tempting them with the almonds, beef jerky, pretzels, or gluten free cookies that so often get dubbed “healthy” but really aren’t.

I haven’t tried it yet, but I’m going to.  I love me a healthy snack.  Maybe tomorrow…