Tag: humor

An Extremely Belated Celebration

On By aftheadIn Best Day Ever, Favorite Lines, Uncategorized, writing3 Comments

2020 was a crazy year. In the midst of a global pandemic, I had a really good thing happen. But I never shared the really good thing on Afthead, because Afthead was a public place and the really good thing wasn’t necessarily something I wanted people to know about. Okay, I didn’t want my friends to know, because I was extremely frustrated with some of their COVID protocols, or lack thereof. To cope I wrote a satire piece about them and it got published in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. This publication is a big deal in the humor world. McSweeney’s acceptance rate hovers right around 1%. It’s like getting into the Stanford-Harvard of magazines. I highly recommend checking it out.

Somehow, the idea of reaching out to all my friends whose food intolerances I’d fastidiously honored in the past and telling them that I was publicly mocking them seemed wrong. Also, I wasn’t in a good place with many of them when it was published. I was busy being lonely and angry while they were out camping without me, because I wanted to do ridiculous things like wear a mask. Or their kids were doing remote school together because it was so hard on them.

Four years in the future, several of those people are my friends again (and the ones who aren’t never really were). Most of us have talked about how we were all doing the best we could during those really hard times, and have forgiven each other. Or we just let it go.

But I still haven’t mentioned to them about the most popular thing I’ve ever written. I didn’t tell them that afterwards I got interviewed by The Writer magazine, featured in an article about getting COVID-19 stories published. I didn’t share all the emails I got from strangers telling me how they were struggling too. I didn’t forward the funny comment from Facebook, “Licorice has gluten?” I didn’t want to stretch those strained relationships any farther.

So why post this now? Why not just let the happiness stay quarantined? A couple of things have changed. First, I realized that the friends I was frustrated with don’t read this blog. They don’t see my words. Unless I print this out and shove it under their windshield wipers they won’t know. Also, I did tell lots of people. Work friends got a link. Family got a link. People who I know didn’t follow my exact protocols read it and enjoyed it. Finally, I’ve told everyone I’m taking a year off to write. If I’m a writer, I want to celebrate my writing successes. I decided four years was enough space. It’s okay to let out a little celebratory yay about this piece and say I’m proud of it.

The magical thing about this piece was that it all came out in a whoosh. Normally my writing has tens of drafts littering a piece-specific folder on my computer. (Even this post has 22 revisions!) For my McSweeney’s piece there’s not a single draft on my computer. I wrote it, edited it, and published it from one file. I remember showering and furiously crafting this letter I would send to my friends. I didn’t write a word until I had all the biting phrases worked out. It was like I’d birthed the story fully formed out of my fingertips. Such magic should be acknowledged.

The last amazing thing about this piece? I was in the middle of graduate school when I wrote it. I hadn’t had a creative urge since March 13, 2020 when we all got sent home from work and school to survive the end of the world. I was taking my last two master’s level classes before my capstone. I was working full time and helping my kid do school from home. I was terrified for my parent’s lives, and my support system was fractured and frayed because of my community’s disagreement on the pandemic. It was a horrible, horrible time, and I dealt with it by producing witty, poignant, biting satire. Looking back, I am in awe of myself.

If you want to take a trip back in time and see how September of 2020 felt, now’s your chance. It was a time before COVID vaccinations. We were on the cusp of a huge winter surge. 700 people were dying a day. Somehow I coped by crafting words like this:

People can have COVID and not know it, kind of like that irresponsible room mom last Halloween that didn’t know licorice has gluten. Mistakes happen. You might be laughing and shouting germs all over and never know until someone gets sick. Imagine how embarrassed you’d feel if you accidentally killed my parents. They say hi by the way.

The little masterpiece is still online at McSweeney’s if you feel like taking a trip down that horrific memory lane. Me? I’m going to go reread the acceptance note. It’s glorious.

Thanks for the submission. This is great. We will take it! It should run in the next few weeks. Would you mind sending me a photo and bio for your author profile? 

Would I mind? Uh, heck no! Yeah, I have an author profile on McSweeney’s too. Pretty cool, even four years later.

AAA Battery Emergency – Adult Version

On By aftheadIn Fiction, Uncategorized4 Comments

Cynthia dropped her purse on the floor shedding her date clothes from one end of the apartment to the other, heading to the bathroom to wash off her makeup.  The care she had taken to look her best was just embarrassing now.  It was the third date, and she’d even put on an itchy lacy thong and matching itchy push up bra thinking tonight she and Sebastian were going to take things to the next level.  Well, she wasn’t wrong about that, but when the check came and Sebastian didn’t pick up the tab alarms started to go off, and built to a crescendo when he started the tired, “It’s not you, it’s me” let-her-down-easy soliloquy.

The worst was that she didn’t even like him, but she was lonely and was looking forward to feeling pretty and satisfied for a night.  In her secret heart she had even looked forward to ending it herself after a few nights together, but spiky haired Sebastian had beat her to the punch.

Reaching for a hand towel to pat dry her clean face Cynthia knocked a small box out of the linen closet.  She reached down to pick up the object and saw that it was the lipstick sized vibrator that she’d been given at a bachelorette party last summer.  She’d been so embarrassed by it that she’d shoved it behind the towels, but not before rolling her eyes at the “perfect for travel” splashed across the front of the package.  All she could imagine was some blue shirted TSA inspector finding it and turning it on in front of a pack of disheveled travelers.

Cynthia paused before putting the small box back in the linen closet.  She was lonely, and had been hoping for some…attention…tonight.  Maybe this was better than the Sebastian solution.  She couldn’t cuddle, but she could be satisfied.  With a flick of anticipation in her stomach she turned the lipstick base, and nothing happened.  She looked for a switch, or some other way to turn the device on, but nothing happened.  Suddenly the vibrator broke into two pieces and a single AAA battery fell to the floor.

Cynthia leaned over to pick up the battery, but the process of straightening back up reminded her that she had to get out of the damn thong.  She dressed in her favorite yoga pants and a soft well-loved tank top and turned on the TV.  A late night commercial blasted from the speakers.

AAA BATTERIES DELIVERED AND INSTALLED! NEED BATTERY HELP RIGHT NOW? CALL 1-800-555-5AAA!

Less than fifteen minutes later there was a strong knock at the door. Cynthia slipped her lipstick sized toy into the small pocket on her tank top and looked up to find Adonis on her doorstep. His thick dark hair curled around his ears and was just a little too long for a man, ending right above his name tag: which read “Adonis.”  His aquiline nose split two ice blue eyes and his full lips stretched into a smile revealing perfect white teeth. “AAA Battery Delivery and Installation at your service ma’am. May I come in?” His breath had an intoxicating minty cinnamon scent. Cynthia stood aside, speechless, and motioned him in. She glanced outside and saw his truck, proving that this man was from AAA Batteries.

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His perfect butt was somehow highlighted by his jumpsuit and a pair of what looked like gun belts crossed his hips. Instead of bullets his belt held rows of AAA batteries. Cynthia couldn’t stop staring as he slowly turned and asked, “Now, how can I help you?”

“I…I need an AAA battery.” Cynthia stammered.

Adonis said in a satiny voice, “AAA Batteries, Delivered and Installed is our motto, ma’am. I can’t just give you a battery, I’ve got to install it for you too.”

Cynthia flushed and reached into the pocket of her tank top, both afraid of this god-like man’s reaction and longing for him to respond to her needs. She held out the small device and he took it from her and professionally installed a single new AAA battery from his belt. When he was done he stared into her eyes and gently twisted the lipstick base and a quiet humming filled the air. He stepped toward her and asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you tonight?”

Cynthia said nothing but softly moaned….

 

The second, and more adult version of my AAA Battery Emergency series.  I’m vaguely obsessed with all the potential AAA Battery Emergencies, but when the idea of the gunslinger-like delivery man popped into my head I couldn’t help but write the story.  I leave it to your imagination how the evening ends.  Did the battery belts stay on, or come off?

 

 

I am a Stalkerish Blogging Friend

On By aftheadIn Uncategorized13 Comments

Don’t think I’m not paying attention to you, blogging friends.  Don’t think that I don’t walk the aisles of Target thinking about you and your blog posts about your childhood dreams and your strange obsessions, because I do.  I think about you all the time.

@whereshappy, You remember your post about the Barbie head?  I commented on it, because like you, I never got the disembodied Barbie head as a child. I confessed that I can also can’t do hair now, and shared my deep dark secret that my mother dared to buy my daughter the toy she wouldn’t buy me.  Maybe that just seemed like a normal comment to you, an innocent exchange, but it wasn’t.  Months later when I was at Target I saw this doll, complete with “Cut & Restyle EXTENSIONS!” and hands with fingernails and I took a picture just for you, so that you would know I was thinking about you.  I didn’t send it to you, but I took the picture…just…for…you.

@amiewrites74, I know you haven’t been able to find Cadbury mini-eggs until just recently.  You’ve been blogging about them over and over and over and over.  I’m not as good a friend as your friend Violet – see I even know your friends names and how nice they are – so I didn’t send you a box of them, but I did take a picture of the monster display in the aisles of Target for you.  You can’t really tell, but there are normal mini-eggs, white chocolate mini-eggs and dark chocolate mini-eggs.  You’ve never talked about the dark chocolate ones, so I told you in the comments of your most recent post.  I hope my news offsets the creepiness of my actions.  (I don’t want to let you know that I really don’t like Cadbury mini-eggs for fear I’ll chase you away as my blogging friend.)  #Minieggsallyearlong

So blogging friends, don’t worry, I’m paying attention, and maybe the next time I’m at Target I’ll be thinking of you…

Signs of less than the apocolypse

On By aftheadIn Tickles my afthead4 Comments

It’s been a rough few days at the Afthead house, so today I bring you my favorite sign from a local water park, so we can share a laugh.  Every time I see it I want to jump in the pool and stay under as long as I can, swim a lap without coming up for air, or just stand in front of the sign and hold my breath like a petulant child.  That’s the kind of scofflaw I am.

Now, let’s all just take a deep breath …and hold it.

A Dirty Job: Should You Read or Listen?

On By aftheadIn Read or Listen2 Comments

My weekly post to help you decide the best format to enjoy a book.  Without further ado:

Should you read or listen to A Dirty Job, by Christopher Moore?

The Afthead Summary:

After the unexpected death of his wife, Charlie raises his infant daughter Sophie through a series of hysterical misadventures.  Wait.  That doesn’t really sound funny or like a book anyone would want to read.  How about, A Dirty Job, a comic tale of a motherless child and her beta-male father battling the forces of evil.  Crud.  That’s not really selling it either.  Okay, I recognize that Christopher Moore isn’t for everyone, but trust me, this book is funny and you’ll hardly even mind the dying mom part once you start laughing.  If everything I have written so far upsets and disturbs you, do not pick up this book.  Listen to last week’s book, or wait until next week’s book.  But if you have a strong stomach for inappropriate humor, read on.  From the Russian neighbor and her discussion of the “tiny bears” (hamsters), to the Chinese neighbor who eats all the dead pets, to the harpies of darkness stalking  “new meat” (their nickname for Charlie) this book will teach you about the mythology of death, the kindness of strangers who become family, and the love of a father for his daughter.

Read:

I read the novel first and actually laughed out loud several times.  Moore’s writing is fresh, unexpected, and will make you think long after you put the book down.  The ending takes a bit to resolve, but it’s worth the ride.  If you read it, or have read it, please let me know so I have an outlet for all my funny allusions to this book that no one I know understands.

Listen:

This is an amazing audiobook.  Fisher Stevens’s voices for Minty Fresh, Charlie, the harpies, Sophie, Audrey, and the squirrel people make the book.  His characterization is so much better than what my imagination could supply.  Listening to him makes the characters take on solid form and distinct personalities.  When I’m feeling glum I start this one up again and laugh my way to work.

Again, this is not a book to listen to with small children, grandparents, humorless or judgmental people.  Know your listeners before sharing this one with friends.

Recommendation:

Listen

Much to my excitement and joy, I found out that Moore has published a sequel to this novel, and it was released in August!  Is there anything better than an unexpected sequel that is already out?  It’s my next read, so watch for a review in the coming months.