AAA Battery Emergency – Adult Version

Cynthia dropped her purse on the floor shedding her date clothes from one end of the apartment to the other, heading to the bathroom to wash off her makeup.  The care she had taken to look her best was just embarrassing now.  It was the third date, and she’d even put on an itchy lacy thong and matching itchy push up bra thinking tonight she and Sebastian were going to take things to the next level.  Well, she wasn’t wrong about that, but when the check came and Sebastian didn’t pick up the tab alarms started to go off, and built to a crescendo when he started the tired, “It’s not you, it’s me” let-her-down-easy soliloquy.

The worst was that she didn’t even like him, but she was lonely and was looking forward to feeling pretty and satisfied for a night.  In her secret heart she had even looked forward to ending it herself after a few nights together, but spiky haired Sebastian had beat her to the punch.

Reaching for a hand towel to pat dry her clean face Cynthia knocked a small box out of the linen closet.  She reached down to pick up the object and saw that it was the lipstick sized vibrator that she’d been given at a bachelorette party last summer.  She’d been so embarrassed by it that she’d shoved it behind the towels, but not before rolling her eyes at the “perfect for travel” splashed across the front of the package.  All she could imagine was some blue shirted TSA inspector finding it and turning it on in front of a pack of disheveled travelers.

Cynthia paused before putting the small box back in the linen closet.  She was lonely, and had been hoping for some…attention…tonight.  Maybe this was better than the Sebastian solution.  She couldn’t cuddle, but she could be satisfied.  With a flick of anticipation in her stomach she turned the lipstick base, and nothing happened.  She looked for a switch, or some other way to turn the device on, but nothing happened.  Suddenly the vibrator broke into two pieces and a single AAA battery fell to the floor.

Cynthia leaned over to pick up the battery, but the process of straightening back up reminded her that she had to get out of the damn thong.  She dressed in her favorite yoga pants and a soft well-loved tank top and turned on the TV.  A late night commercial blasted from the speakers.

AAA BATTERIES DELIVERED AND INSTALLED! NEED BATTERY HELP RIGHT NOW? CALL 1-800-555-5AAA!

Less than fifteen minutes later there was a strong knock at the door. Cynthia slipped her lipstick sized toy into the small pocket on her tank top and looked up to find Adonis on her doorstep. His thick dark hair curled around his ears and was just a little too long for a man, ending right above his name tag: which read “Adonis.”  His aquiline nose split two ice blue eyes and his full lips stretched into a smile revealing perfect white teeth. “AAA Battery Delivery and Installation at your service ma’am. May I come in?” His breath had an intoxicating minty cinnamon scent. Cynthia stood aside, speechless, and motioned him in. She glanced outside and saw his truck, proving that this man was from AAA Batteries.

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His perfect butt was somehow highlighted by his jumpsuit and a pair of what looked like gun belts crossed his hips. Instead of bullets his belt held rows of AAA batteries. Cynthia couldn’t stop staring as he slowly turned and asked, “Now, how can I help you?”

“I…I need an AAA battery.” Cynthia stammered.

Adonis said in a satiny voice, “AAA Batteries, Delivered and Installed is our motto, ma’am. I can’t just give you a battery, I’ve got to install it for you too.”

Cynthia flushed and reached into the pocket of her tank top, both afraid of this god-like man’s reaction and longing for him to respond to her needs. She held out the small device and he took it from her and professionally installed a single new AAA battery from his belt. When he was done he stared into her eyes and gently twisted the lipstick base and a quiet humming filled the air. He stepped toward her and asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you tonight?”

Cynthia said nothing but softly moaned….


 

The second, and more adult version of my AAA Battery Emergency series.  I’m vaguely obsessed with all the potential AAA Battery Emergencies, but when the idea of the gunslinger-like delivery man popped into my head I couldn’t help but write the story.  I leave it to your imagination how the evening ends.  Did the battery belts stay on, or come off?

 

 

I am a Stalkerish Blogging Friend

Don’t think I’m not paying attention to you, blogging friends.  Don’t think that I don’t walk the aisles of Target thinking about you and your blog posts about your childhood dreams and your strange obsessions, because I do.  I think about you all the time.

@whereshappyYou remember your post about the Barbie head?  I commented on it, because like you, I never got the disembodied Barbie head as a child. I confessed that I can also can’t do hair now, and shared my deep dark secret that my mother dared to buy my daughter the toy she wouldn’t buy me.  Maybe that just seemed like a normal comment to you, an innocent exchange, but it wasn’t.  Months later when I was at Target I saw this doll, complete with “Cut & Restyle EXTENSIONS!” and hands with fingernails and I took a picture just for you, so that you would know I was thinking about you.  I didn’t send it to you, but I took the picture…just…for…you.

@amiewrites74I know you haven’t been able to find Cadbury mini-eggs until just recently.  You’ve been blogging about them over and over and over and over.  I’m not as good a friend as your friend Violet – see I even know your friends names and how nice they are – so I didn’t send you a box of them, but I did take a picture of the monster display in the aisles of Target for you.  You can’t really tell, but there are normal mini-eggs, white chocolate mini-eggs and dark chocolate mini-eggs.  You’ve never talked about the dark chocolate ones, so I told you in the comments of your most recent post.  I hope my news offsets the creepiness of my actions.  (I don’t want to let you know that I really don’t like Cadbury mini-eggs for fear I’ll chase you away as my blogging friend.)  #Minieggsallyearlong

So blogging friends, don’t worry, I’m paying attention, and maybe the next time I’m at Target I’ll be thinking of you…

Signs of less than the apocolypse

It’s been a rough few days at the Afthead house, so today I bring you my favorite sign from a local water park, so we can share a laugh.  Every time I see it I want to jump in the pool and stay under as long as I can, swim a lap without coming up for air, or just stand in front of the sign and hold my breath like a petulant child.  That’s the kind of scofflaw I am.

Now, let’s all just take a deep breath …and hold it.

A Dirty Job: Should You Read or Listen?

My weekly post to help you decide the best format to enjoy a book.  Without further ado:

Should you read or listen to A Dirty Job, by Christopher Moore?

The Afthead Summary:

After the unexpected death of his wife, Charlie raises his infant daughter Sophie through a series of hysterical misadventures.  Wait.  That doesn’t really sound funny or like a book anyone would want to read.  How about, A Dirty Job, a comic tale of a motherless child and her beta-male father battling the forces of evil.  Crud.  That’s not really selling it either.  Okay, I recognize that Christopher Moore isn’t for everyone, but trust me, this book is funny and you’ll hardly even mind the dying mom part once you start laughing.  If everything I have written so far upsets and disturbs you, do not pick up this book.  Listen to last week’s book, or wait until next week’s book.  But if you have a strong stomach for inappropriate humor, read on.  From the Russian neighbor and her discussion of the “tiny bears” (hamsters), to the Chinese neighbor who eats all the dead pets, to the harpies of darkness stalking  “new meat” (their nickname for Charlie) this book will teach you about the mythology of death, the kindness of strangers who become family, and the love of a father for his daughter.

Read:

I read the novel first and actually laughed out loud several times.  Moore’s writing is fresh, unexpected, and will make you think long after you put the book down.  The ending takes a bit to resolve, but it’s worth the ride.  If you read it, or have read it, please let me know so I have an outlet for all my funny allusions to this book that no one I know understands.

Listen:

This is an amazing audiobook.  Fisher Stevens’s voices for Minty Fresh, Charlie, the harpies, Sophie, Audrey, and the squirrel people make the book.  His characterization is so much better than what my imagination could supply.  Listening to him makes the characters take on solid form and distinct personalities.  When I’m feeling glum I start this one up again and laugh my way to work.

Again, this is not a book to listen to with small children, grandparents, humorless or judgmental people.  Know your listeners before sharing this one with friends.

Recommendation:

Listen


Much to my excitement and joy, I found out that Moore has published a sequel to this novel, and it was released in August!  Is there anything better than an unexpected sequel that is already out?  It’s my next read, so watch for a review in the coming months.