Gratitude for a full life 

April started and the Afthead life ramped up to a new level: gardens to plant, soccer games to play, school and work chaos to wrangle, and why not throw in a construction project to top it all off?  Things are busy, not passive aggressive whiny busy, but filled with things we love to do.  Today as I rode my bike home from dropping my car off for an oil change I thought about all the things I’m grateful for right now:

  • For the computer glitch that allowed me to book an oil change appointment even when there were no slots available, and for the kind man who said he would fit me in.
  • For the ability to ride my bike home past Craig Hospital where two people were outside in their wheelchairs enjoying the beautiful weather.
  • For the stunning flowers this spring made more precious by the snow forecast this weekend.

  • For soccer season, the girls on our team, the parents of those girls, and my own daughter’s growth in skill and friendship and enjoyment of the game.  Also, because she’s learning how to “suck it up” when things don’t go her way – a life lesson she desperately needs.
  • For unexpected bravery ignited by soccer friends which has led to my daughter desperately excited about going to sleep away camp this summer.  My baby at eight wants to go to sleep away camp?  How does that happen?

  • For warm cats in sunshine and remembering how much her brother loved sunbeams.

  • For having the means to do this to our basement just because we are tired of having no outlets and two sad overhead lights. It just feels decadent to get rid of the old dropped ceilings and flickering florescent lights and build a real grown up basement…just because we want to.

  • For a free cinnamon roll!

  • For amazing colleagues who leave mysterious tiny unicorns on everyone’s computer and can be counted on to creatively find a way to keep us going even after losing a huge chunk of funding.

  • For the patience to believe my writing is only in hibernation while the rest of the world is waking up and that it too will return after this season of fullness ends.
  • For friends, which is a whole series of posts coming.  I am so grateful right now for friends.

Happy Thursday readers!  I am so grateful for you too!

Is pole-dancing or writing a more embarrassing hobby?

The answer might surprise you.


Today my daughter, who wanted to be a doctor when she was three, announced that now she wanted to be a singer or an artist when she grew up: the singer part is new.  When she was out of earshot I asked my husband, “At what age do I tell her that under no circumstances will she be a singer or an artist?”

“When she’s a junior in high school and she still says that’s what she wants to be,” he replied.

I am a hypocrite.  I aspire to be a writer, but do not want my daughter to want to be an artist.  Somehow it’s okay that I want to be a writer in my spare time because I have a real job.  Since writing is just a hobby, it’s okay…except even then it’s not really.  When I was at a work meeting recently with 60 people we all had to go around the room and tell our “secret talent.”  One woman said she used to have a food blog with over 100,000 views.  One woman can herd goats.  A man explained his art – oil on hammered metal – and when my turn came I said, “I am a knitter.”  Others went on to reveal things like a competitive pole dancing talent and I wondered why I couldn’t bring myself to say that I am a writer or that I recently finished my first novel.  Why is writing more embarrassing than pole dancing or knitting?

One of my issues is that in all areas of life I am in a rut.  My real job isn’t going well and inevitably the place I spend 40 (+ or – 20) hours a week impacts the rest of my life.  When work goes down the toilet so does my general outlook on life, and as a result  work starts going even worse and the spiral continues downward.  Eventually I don’t want to work, parent, write or knit or do much of anything but sit in the parking lot at work and dread my day.

I’m bad at my job which means my whole outlook on me is a mess.  I’m obviously a crappy writer and mother and wife and child and knitter: you should see the mess I just made out of the blanket I am working on.  When things get like this nothing will convince me that I don’t suck and I’ll find endless examples to support my theory.  (My husband will tell you I am a joy to live with when I get in this place.) If I’m getting consistent external feedback that supports my crappiness vision then things go from bad to worse, and I’m getting that right now in vast quantities.  Ergo, I am not in a good place.

Then today I read this amazing article in the Washington Post that promises to fix my “negative self talk” problem.  I am supposed to write three things I liked about myself everyday before I go to bed and read the ever growing list when I wake up each morning.  I emailed the Washington Post article author to commit to the project, because I think accountability is important for me to stick with this.

So here I am at the end of the first rotten day and I need to start my list.  As much as I want to rant about my shortcomings I’ll do the assignment, mostly because I need a deadline to stop being miserable.  If things are not better in 30 days, either due to this exercise or some other reason, I can assess bigger changes.

My first list:

1. I like people even more for their quirkiness: for example my daughter’s friend who only eats ~6 foods.  It makes her parents crazy, but I just adore that uniqueness about her.

2. I said hello to my friend’s stepdaughter when I saw her at the garden store, even thought she was with her mom. It was a little awkward explaining the relationship to her mom, but worth it to see the joy in the girl’s eyes at being recognized by a grown up in an unexpected place.  I like that I think kids are people too.

3.  I asked a friend to recommend a recipe so I can make a dinner for a family friend whose dad died.  She is a very healthy eater, so my normal comfort food options are no good.  I like that when I comfort friends I try to do it in a way that is thoughtful.

Now I need to transcribe these into my notebook and read them tomorrow morning.  Hopefully in 30 days I’ll have a perspective that helps me realize my dreams, gets me out of my own way, and let’s me confidently claim my unique talents.

 

The troll mirror 

Remember the magic mirror at work?  The one that makes this aging wrinkling expanding lady feel a little bit pretty?  Well, I found its evil cousin this week.

Prior to the beginning of my two-day meeting I used the public restroom at the Residence Inn hosting us.  After washing my hands I went to check that my dress wasn’t tucked into my tights.  There before me was a fat squat version of myself.  I gasped and checked to see if I had an evil ugly twin sister standing behind me, but no, this reflected troll was me!  I raced out in horror, but did check to see if my troll underware was showing before I fled.

It was a scarring experience, but I am brave so immediately told a friend, “I am either a hideous troll person or the mirror in that bathroom is horrible.”  She is brave too and went to investigate.  Thankfully she also reflected a squat version of herself.  (Well, I was thankful anyway.  I don’t think she was.)

For two days I warned all the women at the meeting with whom I had even a passing relationship.  Why?  Because this was one of those dress-up meetings.  A meeting where you try on your outfits at home before you pack, and bring coordinated accessories.  A meeting where you check a bag because you want your full sized products.  It wasn’t a beauty pageant or a meeting about how we looked, but it was a business meeting with posturing and politics and one of our female weapons is looking good. Nothing can diminish that power like the fear that our carefully prepared shell is ugly.  No one else deserved the self-esteem hit I took.

Something magical happened with the sharing.  The mirror became a joke, “the troll mirror.”  A joke shared only between the women of the group.  The men heard about the horror, but claimed they had no portal to the bizarro world in their bathroom.  We would laugh with each other in the restroom as our features gently expanded, stretched and shrunk if we moved in front of the mirror.  We all celebrated that we didn’t really look like that.

In the sharing of our secret worries about how we look and our insecurities we grew closer. The inside joke will make us evaluate mirrors at future meetings.  The experience made me bolder at the meeting: more willing to ask hard questions and risk embarrassment.  The troll mirror had a different kind of magic then my office mirror.

In the end, it made me really brave.  Brave enough to take a troll picture of myself and post it on my blog.  In my hipster troll outfit of jeans and my winter coat the effect is diminished, but not entirely.  I am not this squat.

Oh, and the sunglasses I have on?  Those are my rose colored glasses.  So while I might look hideous, the colors were bright and beautiful to my eyes.  Tomorrow I’ve got to get a picture of myself in the work magic mirror in the magic sunglasses to heal my self image.

It isn’t just about payday

I graduated from college almost 20 years ago with my degree in Chemical Engineering. Most of the open jobs were with oil companies drilling on the north shore of Alaska.  After having spent 3 years interning in renewable energy I didn’t want to go rape and pillage the Alaskan wilderness.  The other options were limited.  Caterpillar was hiring in Peoria, IL but that interview started with a large man with a large hat scanning my 22 year old self and slowly asking, “So little lady, why would…YOU…want to come work for Caterpillar?”  I didn’t get a second interview.  The other opportunity for me was to go work in the hugely growing world of computer programming.  I’d taken a few programming courses, I liked them, and I was offered a job with a huge consulting firm in Chicago.   They said I was smart and they would train me to code.  I’d be surrounded by people my own age.  It seemed like a great opportunity, but why?

Your first real job offer.  Do you remember it?  Did you spend a lot of time figuring out if your job was a good fit?  Did you wonder if the corporate culture fit your needs?  I didn’t, or I didn’t evaluate my opportunities consciously beyond “How much do they pay?”  Twenty years later, I know that for me, that’s one of the last questions I need to ask myself.

Last year I was invited to a women’s networking event where the featured speaker was going to present on “Women entering the C-suite.”  The presenter was a woman, 5 years younger than me, who was a career coach that charged between $15k – $45k per person to coach women into finding C level positions.  You know, for those of us dying to become a CIO, CFO, CEO, or COO.  Personally, I have no ambitions in this direction but I have friends who do, and there was free food and wine, so I went and what I learned was eye opening.

This woman, who had to make 3 times my salary, explained that in order to reach your career goals, you first have to understand what you want out of your career.  She then challenged us to make a list of things that we want out of a job.  I have no real notes from this discussion, because I have since lost the notes I took in my daughter’s notebook with her colored pencil, but I have a strong recollection of our list.  It looked like this:

  1. Money
  2. Flexibility
  3. Benefits
  4. Friends
  5. Learning opportunities
  6. The mission
  7. Mentors
  8. Potential for advancement
  9. Leadership opportunities

She then told us to pick the top three things we wanted out of a job and shared her choices.  She picked money, potential for advancement, and leadership opportunities.  She went on to tell us that she owned her own company because she wanted to be the leader of whatever she did, and her goal was to make enough money so that she could have three homes when she retired at 45: one in Aspen, one near her family, and one on the ocean.  She wanted to be able to use these homes to host her family and live out her days in luxury.  Those were her C-Suite career path values.

If the notepad with googly eyes wasn’t enough of a clue that I’m not destined for CTO, her list solidified my lack of interest.  Mine said: mission, flexibility, and friends.  I want a job where I can go every day and know that what I’m doing is making a difference in the world.  I need a job where I can go to my daughter’s Halloween party, or coach her soccer team.  I want to go to work everyday with people I really care about and who care about me.  Don’t tell my boss, but money and benefits aren’t even on the list.  Of course, I want to make enough money to support my family and keep our house, but our needs are pretty simple.  I don’t want three homes.  I don’t want to retire at 45.  In fact, I dream of a life where I can work into my 60s or 70s, but be able to take sabbaticals have opportunities to pursue other passions mid-career.

Okay, so what’s the point of all of this?  Well I’m a manager, and I have conversations with people who say things like:

“I need opportunities for advancement.   There is nowhere to go in this organization.”

“You don’t respect my skills here.  I am a great software developer, but I can’t move up without content knowledge.”

“It’s your fault that I don’t have enough work to do.  That’s a manager’s job.”

“I’m an expert.  I don’t need to change.”

“Just tell me what to do.”

The truth of the matter is that those are all valid opinions and statements and these people are really unhappy.  The other truth is that those complaints cannot be resolved at my company.  For example, in my job family there are six levels and I was hired at the third one.  In twelve years I’ve received one promotion.  I have grown and developed, but unless I want to get a PhD, I only have one more promotion I’ll ever get. The “I need opportunities for advancement” person is doomed for disappointment if they don’t leave. We aren’t going to create new promotion levels.  Sometimes you can’t make your needs match what your company provides.

The flip side are the people who say:

“I never want to work anywhere but here.”

“I don’t jump out of bed excited to come to work everyday, but I’m always happy to be here.”

“I really appreciate all the opportunities here.”

“This really is an amazing place.”

Same job, just different people.  What I find fascinating about management is that every person is different, and what is stifling to one person is invigorating to someone else.  The job isn’t bad and the person isn’t bad, there is just a mismatch.  Of course it’s hard to leave a job, but you spend at least 8 hours a day at work.  If you can, try to find somewhere that can give you what you need.   If you can’t leave at least there is some solace in understanding why you are unhappy.


 

Final Thoughts

List out your three must haves from your job and think about if your needs are being met. Then think about if it’s possible to make your needs met given the corporate culture.  If you don’t know how to answer that question, find someone you trust who you think might know and ask them.  If you can’t make your needs align, do you get enough out of the job to stay without being completely disgruntled, or is it time to find another job?

If it’s time to find another job make sure you are going somewhere that can meet your needs.  As a manager, I try to be very upfront when I hire people about the culture of our team and our organization.  I explain what success looks like and what we expect from teammates.  I am honest about what’s amazing and what sucks about the job.  I don’t want to hire someone who will hate their job, and no one wants to work at a job that they hate.  If you interview for a new job and don’t get that kind of feedback ask.

As a worker, I try to evaluate my values from time to time and make sure they align with where I see my company going.  If I do find my needs are no longer being met, I’m realistic about expecting wholesale changes to my workplace to make me happy.  For example, I hate bureaucracy, but my current position is awash in it.  However, I can take a step back and realize that my three key values are supported by my workplace and for now I can overlook the things that suck.  It’s empowering to know that you are putting up with something for a good reason.


 

Thoughts and comments on the new Monday Management posts are appreciated!

Super Duper Excited about Healthy Snacks!

There’s a new vending machine at work named “Healthy Vend”.  It’s been there for almost a month now.  It accepts a wide variety of payment options: cash, coins, several credit cards and Apple Pay.  Everything in it is $1.00, so it’s a super convenient and inexpensive way to grab something when I forgot my lunch or need a quick snack to tide me over before dinner.


The best part is that the snacks are not only healthy, but they are also invisible!  Or maybe they just want to give health nuts the joy of buying something out of a vending machine, while not tempting them with the almonds, beef jerky, pretzels, or gluten free cookies that so often get dubbed “healthy” but really aren’t.

I haven’t tried it yet, but I’m going to.  I love me a healthy snack.  Maybe tomorrow…

Spirit Animal

I work in a pretty conservative organization, so I was shocked at our strategic planning offiste when my new director recommended we start off sharing our “spirit animal.”  We were to write down our choice on an index card and then pass the cards to him so he could read aloud all of our spirit animals to the group.

I was delighted with this little task, but couldn’t decide if I should take it seriously, make a joke, or be an ass about the assignment.  A variety of options passed through my mind: owl, Loch Ness monster, cat.  Then someone in the room said, “We should have picked our patronus” and I wrote down unicorn.

The mixture of animals our leadership team picked was pretty cool and diverse:  fox, penguin, Canadian goose, sea lion, otter, turtle, mouse, deer, dolphin, desert sheep, baby robin and duck-billed platypus were all in the mix.  (I said we were a conservative organization, not lacking creativity.)  I was the only mythical creature and when asked to explain why I picked a unicorn I said:

  • “Because a unicorn seems like it might wear rose colored glasses.”

I am a bit of a Pollyanna at work.  I think things are going to work out and that people are trying to do their best and in the end things will be okay.  This perspective is a bit unusual in my organization, so I wanted to pick something that conveyed that optimism.

  • “We could really use more magic at work”

Who can’t use more magic at work?  Pixie dust, Star Trek transporters, a pope who believes in climate change, and miracles all are welcome additions to my tool box.

  • “I wanted something different from everyone else.”

I am an individual.  I want to stand out and be noticed for the things that make me special and valuable.

By the end of the day I really liked this weird exercise.  We referred to our own and other’s spirit animals throughout the day.  We acknowledged the accuracy of choices and suggested modifications.  At one point my spirit animal morphed into unicorn mold.  Something about my growing and sticking to things, like mold.  So the final evolutionary step of my spirit animal is a magical sparkly rainbow mold with spiky horns.  Be careful not to step on me.

What’s your spirit animal?