The answer might surprise you.
Today my daughter, who wanted to be a doctor when she was three, announced that now she wanted to be a singer or an artist when she grew up: the singer part is new. When she was out of earshot I asked my husband, “At what age do I tell her that under no circumstances will she be a singer or an artist?”
“When she’s a junior in high school and she still says that’s what she wants to be,” he replied.
I am a hypocrite. I aspire to be a writer, but do not want my daughter to want to be an artist. Somehow it’s okay that I want to be a writer in my spare time because I have a real job. Since writing is just a hobby, it’s okay…except even then it’s not really. When I was at a work meeting recently with 60 people we all had to go around the room and tell our “secret talent.” One woman said she used to have a food blog with over 100,000 views. One woman can herd goats. A man explained his art – oil on hammered metal – and when my turn came I said, “I am a knitter.” Others went on to reveal things like a competitive pole dancing talent and I wondered why I couldn’t bring myself to say that I am a writer or that I recently finished my first novel. Why is writing more embarrassing than pole dancing or knitting?
One of my issues is that in all areas of life I am in a rut. My real job isn’t going well and inevitably the place I spend 40 (+ or – 20) hours a week impacts the rest of my life. When work goes down the toilet so does my general outlook on life, and as a result work starts going even worse and the spiral continues downward. Eventually I don’t want to work, parent, write or knit or do much of anything but sit in the parking lot at work and dread my day.
I’m bad at my job which means my whole outlook on me is a mess. I’m obviously a crappy writer and mother and wife and child and knitter: you should see the mess I just made out of the blanket I am working on. When things get like this nothing will convince me that I don’t suck and I’ll find endless examples to support my theory. (My husband will tell you I am a joy to live with when I get in this place.) If I’m getting consistent external feedback that supports my crappiness vision then things go from bad to worse, and I’m getting that right now in vast quantities. Ergo, I am not in a good place.
Then today I read this amazing article in the Washington Post that promises to fix my “negative self talk” problem. I am supposed to write three things I liked about myself everyday before I go to bed and read the ever growing list when I wake up each morning. I emailed the Washington Post article author to commit to the project, because I think accountability is important for me to stick with this.
So here I am at the end of the first rotten day and I need to start my list. As much as I want to rant about my shortcomings I’ll do the assignment, mostly because I need a deadline to stop being miserable. If things are not better in 30 days, either due to this exercise or some other reason, I can assess bigger changes.
My first list:
1. I like people even more for their quirkiness: for example my daughter’s friend who only eats ~6 foods. It makes her parents crazy, but I just adore that uniqueness about her.
2. I said hello to my friend’s stepdaughter when I saw her at the garden store, even thought she was with her mom. It was a little awkward explaining the relationship to her mom, but worth it to see the joy in the girl’s eyes at being recognized by a grown up in an unexpected place. I like that I think kids are people too.
3. I asked a friend to recommend a recipe so I can make a dinner for a family friend whose dad died. She is a very healthy eater, so my normal comfort food options are no good. I like that when I comfort friends I try to do it in a way that is thoughtful.
Now I need to transcribe these into my notebook and read them tomorrow morning. Hopefully in 30 days I’ll have a perspective that helps me realize my dreams, gets me out of my own way, and let’s me confidently claim my unique talents.
Afthead 
Great project! Easy when you’re feeling ok about yourself, hard when you’re not and really need it.
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So, so true. The blog post was a needed additional kick in the pants, because last night I really didn’t want to think about what I like about myself. I was happy to read the list this morning though!
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Good luck, great start 😊
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Thanks! I’ll let you know in a month if blogging every day, like I did in November, or this is harder. (I’m betting this. Probably one day I’ll say “I like that I have nice shoes.”) Thanks for the read and the comment! Welcome to Afthead.
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Thanks for sharing this, Johanna. I think I might join you in this challenge–I could definitely use it right now, too. 😉
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Ooh, let me know if you join. Last night was rough making the list, but I did feel like my day started off better reading three good things about me before I rolled out of bed. Work starts again tomorrow, so I’ll really need it tomorrow morning!
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This is such a great idea! And something that most people (myself included) could benefit from. Ruts can be very hard to climb out of and I am hoping that this project will be successful for you.
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I’ll let you know how it goes. I really, really hate how hard it is to get out of ruts. Ugh. I do like that this puts a time limit on the rut. It keeps me from taking drastic measures to soon.
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I agree. Good luck 🙂
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“No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.”
― Robert Frost
Johanna, your crappy feeling days help make your writing authentic and real. You are a writer. You have amazing stories to tell. And just know that at your “real job” even on a bad day you shine brighter than most of us do on good day. Add that to your list tomorrow. You are beloved. Hang in there.
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Thank you so much. I don’t know why the weight of negative words at work is so much greater than the weight of positive words. I had an amazing day Friday with almost everyone, but the exception is what I’m obsessing over, not the rule. Now, we’ll see when I am willing to proudly claim “writer” alongside the “pole dancer” at our next meeting. I mean, you claimed “poet!” I must work on my bravery.
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This is such a great idea and something anyone could benefit from! I’m going to try it myself.
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Two days down and so far, so good. I’d love to hear your thoughts if you try it! Thanks for reading and visiting.
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Johanna, Daily affirmations are good for the soul. And here’s one for you to add to your list: I want my daughter to be happy and successful and I’ll do whatever I can to help guide her on her journey.
The beginning of your post made me chuckle because my niece insisted on going to college and majoring in theatre.No one stepped in to give her good advice about hedging her bets. Needless to say, she has been out of college for 2 years and has no job. But (and this is the BIG BUTT) she is dating a clown. (I am not being a mean girl) He is a 3rd generation clown. His grandfather was a clown, his dad was a clown and he is a clown. This is the closest she has come to the glamor of the stage so far. We’re hoping she, too, may have a future as a clown or any other character that might bring in a pay check. My sister wishes she had encouraged her to at least minor in something useful. If wishes were horses……
My point being – your instincts about your daughter being practical in what she chooses for a career are spot on.
One more affirmation:You are a really great mom!
Clare
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Just a little positive affirmation: I, for one, think you are a great writer! You should proudly share your talent without being embarrassed. Great blog!
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I remember the first time I called myself a writer. It was hard because actually I’m an accountant by profession and I’ve never been published. But guess what? I write and so do you. You’re a writer. Own it!! And another thing to add to your list of things you love about yourself. You’re funny. Keep at it!
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Yes! I’m an engineer by profession. Very far away from a writer, and my only publications are in technical journals, articles, and books. Not really writing like I do here and in my spare time. Thank you for the vote of confidence and the compliment! I’ve been trying to start calling myself a writer in the companionship of the blogsphere. Maybe someday I’ll be brave enough to call myself that in the real world.
Welcome to Afthead! Off to find your blog!
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Wait! I already found you blog! Thanks for the return visit!
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