The Final Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions – Election Day

At last the toys get to elect their leader.  Weeks have passed and everyone is tired of arguing with their relatives and watching political ads during live baseball games. At dawn election morning the extremely old ladies who run the balloting office open the door and find a line of voters stretching farther than they can see, even with their glasses on.

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The ladies quickly turn to their desk and start worrying:

“We don’t have enough ballots.  There are so many people.”

“We can make more.”

“We also don’t have nearly enough stickers, and I promised my granddaughter one.”

“Here, take one before they come in.”

After hiding a sticker under their desk, the two elderly ladies greet the first voter, Tiny Knit Chicken, who knows that the early bird gets the worm, and the “I Voted” sticker.

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Each toy steps into the voting booth to pick their leader.  With large amounts of disgruntlement and small amounts of election knowledge many toys pick the “Write in” option and enter invalid choices, misspell names, or forget to check the box.  The election commissioner will throw out all mistakes without a care.  It does not matter to her that it is really difficult to write without opposable thumbs and at most two fingers.

At last every ballot has been cast and the election commissioner arrives to tally. She is horrified by the state of the ballots, but in the end the results are clear.  There is just one last regulation to check.

Tiny Knit Zombie Trump admires the sticker Tiny Knit Chicken gave him while Tiny Knit Clinton chats with her friends the Old Lego Ladies.  Toys mill about waiting to hear the results.  As the commissioner approaches Lego Mad Scientist senses that something might be going awry with his master plan, so he moves closer to eavesdrop.

“I have some good news and some bad news for you Mr. Tiny Knit Zombie Trump.”

Tiny Knit Zombie Trump moans and strokes his sticker.

“Due to invalid voting processes 247 ballots were disallowed.  When the remaining nine ballots were counted you won our toy election by a margin of 5 – 4.”  Before Tiny Knit Zombie Trump can let out an excited groan she continues, “However, the regulations say you must have a registered birth certificate with the election commission and your records appear to be missing.  Unless you can produce valid certification I’m afraid you must concede.”  She adjusts her pantsuit and the watching electorate wonders if this might be a conspiracy created by a biased commissioner.

Tiny Knit Zombie Trump shakes his head and moans, and Tiny Knit Hillary, who does not wants to win on a technicality, springs into action.  She was a former Secretary of State.  She has friends all over the world who can help.  Boarding her invisible supersonic jet she begins scouring records departments all over the planet looking for Tiny Knit Zombie’s birth certificate.

While flying over the diminished Arctic, her phone rings.  It is the commissioner.  Lego Mad Scientist has admitted he created Tiny Knit Zombie Trump and, in his excitement, neglected to file the correct paperwork.  Tiny Knit Zombie Trump is prepared to forfeit his win to Tiny Knit Clinton.

Tiny Knit Hillary lands her jet and approaches her opponent.  In flight she has made a decision.  The toys deserve better than to be governed by someone who won only 4/256ths of the vote.  She can do marginally better.  Wrapping her arm around Tiny Knit Zombie Trump her first act as President is to allow for non-citizens to be Vice Presidents.  Together their 9/256ths will govern the toys, and find ways to help the marginalized, the scientists, the evil doers, the green, the knitted, and the non-knitted alike.  As the confetti falls the toys celebrate the end of the election.  Tiny Knit Clinton wishes she had her binder containing her first 100 day plan so she could add “Change Vice President rule” to the top of the list while Tiny Knit Zombie Trump strokes his sticker and breathes in the delicious scent of Tiny Knit Clinton’s enormous brain.


 

Fifth and final post in a series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas.  See the fourth post here, third post here, second post here, and the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing pattern!  Please see http://mochimochiland.com/shop/tiny-zombie-kit/ for the zombie pattern and visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

The Penultimate Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions

At last the tiny knit debate.  The two candidates, dressed in their parties’ traditional colors, approach their lecterns with neither a handshake or even an acknowledgement between them.  They are rivals.  Santa was chosen as the moderator and the candidates and members of the debate audience have been forewarned that he will use his “naughty or nice list” if things get out of hand.  The list is in his bag and he’s not afraid to use it.

The debate is similar to the human presidential debates, but there are some marked differences.  With no mouths to speak the candidates must express their opinions though wild gesticulation, sighs, head shakes, groans and moans. So, basically what you would have seen on television if you had the human debate on mute.

The toy debate turns to the topic of the environment and climate change.  The question is directed to tiny knit Secretary Clinton. She comes armed and displays her tomes of knowledge.  Passionately she points out picture after picture of ecosystems decimated by changes in the climate.

Tiny knit zombie stops his moaning and stomping when tiny knit Clinton mentions trees and listens intently.  Tiny knit zombie Trump loves trees and the more tiny knit Clinton talks the more he fears for his friends the trees.  When Santa asks if zombie Trump has anything to add he reaches beneath his lectern and pulls out his favorite hat: a double acorn cap he found in the forest.

A melee ensues.  The evil toys cannot believe that their hand knit candidate is willing to side with his opponent.  Fights break out in the audience and even Santa’s shouts of “naughty, naughty, naughty” don’t stop the combatants.  Tiny knit chicken tries to hatch Viking’s head.  Witch knocks Snowman over and threatens her with a melting potion.  In short, it gets ugly.

While Santa tries to regain control over the audience, something amazing happens on stage initially unnoticed by the crowd.  Tiny knit zombie Trump and tiny knit Clinton turn and actually look at each other.  She admires his hat.  He admires her pile of books.  They each wonder if the difference between them are really that great.  She’s always been an outsider because of her love of research and policy.  He’s always been an outsider because he has an unnatural palate, hair and skin tone.  Tiny knit Trump realizes he’s a infant in the political arena compared to her, while she considers that his fresh perspective might be good for the toy community.

Slowly he reaches out his hand.  She responds by reaching out her own.  Together they stand and one by one the toys stop their fighting and watch what their chosen potential leaders are doing on stage.  Some are horrified, but others are impressed by their candidate’s willingness to reach across the aisle and put aside differences to find commonality.  The election takes an unexpected turn days before the vote.


Forth post in a series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas.  See the third post here, second post here, and the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing pattern!  Please see http://mochimochiland.com/shop/tiny-zombie-kit/ for the zombie pattern and visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

A Continuing Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions

Frustrated with their tiny knit presidential candidate situation the bad guys and evil Lego figures took matters into their own molded plastic hands, as evildoers so often do.  If no tiny knit Trump was going to be an option for them, they were going to create a leader they could follow.  As a surprise to everyone, mad scientist Lego has some pretty decent skills with the double pointed needles.

Voila!  Tiny knit zombie is complete and was presented to the leaderless toys, but something didn’t seem right.  While tiny knit zombie was evil and green he just didn’t seem presidential.  How would he attract undecided voters?  Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of a zombie – even a mouthless zombie who can’t eat brains – as president.  They needed to do something to improve his image.  

Mad Scientist turned to the real human election for inspiration, and with just a few stitches tiny knit zombie became a viable candidate.


Complete with red tie and a distinctive toupee, the toys present tiny knit Trump-like zombie candidate!  Now there is a brain enjoying leader any toy can support, or that’s what these guys hope.  Let’s see how he does against tiny knit Hillary in the debate.  In the meantime, we are going to keep him away from the baby toys, because the way he “kisses” their head makes the mommy toys a bit uncomfortable.  It’s like he’s smelling veal as he caresses their little heads.  Hopefully he can overcome that flaw.


Third post in a potential series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas.  See the second post here, and the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing pattern!  Please see http://mochimochiland.com/shop/tiny-zombie-kit/ for the zombie pattern and visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

Another Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions

I just couldn’t make a tiny knit Trump last night.  I turned my back on my plans at the last minute.  The debate started and my double pointed needles refused to be sullied with Trump yarn.

Then, the unexpected happened when a certain subset of toys revolted.  It turns out some Lego figures – with ringleaders mad scientist, witch, and Viking – joined with The Joker, Little People The Joker, and Two Face to violently protest tiny knit Hillary being the only candidate in our household.

It’s chaos here.  Tiny knit Hillary is safe, and recovering, but we need a second tiny knit option for president.  Who could have anticipated this turn of events?


Second post in a potential series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas.  See the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing pattern!  Please see   http://mochimochiland.com/2016/09/free-pattern-tiny-trump-and-tiny-hillary/ for the pattern and visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

A Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions

Have you seen the amazing Mochimochi Land knit presidential candidates?  The maker of my favorite tiny knits released this adorable free pattern the day of the first presidential debate.  I was smitten!  What a perfect project to distract me from the debacle our United States election has become.

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Image from Mochimochi Land 

My plan was to knit one candidate during the first debate and the other during the second debate.  I didn’t feel like I had the right Trump skintone yarn, so I started with Hillary.

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Isn’t she adorable?  My daughter thinks she looks like a mermaid, because her legs are so short.  It took exactly one debate to go from yarn to tiny first-woman-supported-by-a-major-political-party-for-president.  I was a bit miffed when big unknit Hillary walked out to debate in a red pantsuit (Hello!  Did someone neglect to tell the candidates about their party color schemes?) but I stuck with Democrat blue for tiny knit Hillary.

Now here’s my problem.  I intended a balanced approach to this knitting project, but did you happen to see the news this weekend?  I’m not sure I want a tiny knit Trump in my female majority household.  Now, tiny knit Trump doesn’t have a mouth (neither does tiny Hillary) so I won’t need to worry about him saying distasteful things, but will I be able to leave him alone?  Will he make inappropriate moves on the Barbie Dolls?  What about the Lego Friends girls?  Will they be safe?  What if Ken and the Lego boys see tiny knit Trump act disrespectful and think his behavior is okay?  Do I want my toy room to become a hostile environment like that?  Or do I believe that was all part of tiny knit Trump’s past and now he’ll follow a script and be respectful.  Such a knitting dilemma.

Suggestions are welcome.  In the meantime the toys are conferring.


Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing pattern!  Please see   http://mochimochiland.com/2016/09/free-pattern-tiny-trump-and-tiny-hillary/ for the pattern and visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

Grown Up Bubble Guppy Sighting

Alert!  Just outside of the University of Austin is a statue of an adult Bubble Guppy.  They become so majestic when they mature. Who knew?

(I realize this post has a limited audience, but you Nick Jr aficionados who are now humming the tune to bu-bu-bubble bubble bubble guppies should appreciate this image.  For the rest of you? I refer you to Wikia to learn the wonders of this childhood underwater sea cartoon.)

 

-image from Wikia 

Well that’s pretty!

Some days amidst the calendars and the schedules something pulls me away and makes me pause the chaos.  I had one of those moments this morning as I was jumping in the car worrying I’d be late for a meeting at work.  

Look at this!  Isn’t it stunning?  Look at the tiny drops of water sparkling on the petals and the miniature yellow corn stalks marching around the middle.

Oh, and at this angle!  Look at all the different reds and oranges in the petals.  I love this flower.  The best part is that it’s a mistake flower.  A neighbor gave it to me and it was supposed to be a spring bloomer that attracted hummingbirds. Instead it’s an orange daisy-like wonder that attacts momma Aftheads in the early fall.

What unexpectedly stopped you in your tracks today?

Legitimate Acupuncture Concern

Last week I hurt myself in an embarrassing manner.  I knocked my hips askew while sleeping.  The next day it hurt to walk and the day after I tried a trail run.  After that misguided experiment I was really broken.

Thankfully I have a good relationship with a reputable chiropractor, who is helping me get well.  I was discussing my injury and treatment with a friend, and he mentioned he was having back issues and trying acupuncture.  

I told him, “I don’t do acupuncture.”

“Yeah,” he said, “The needles bothered me too at first…”

“It’s not just the needles,” I interruputed, “It’s, well, what happens if there is a fire drill?  I mean if you are getting a massage or something you just grab a sheet and wrap up, but you know, you are all full of needles.  What do you do?”

Surprisingly, my friend had never considered this scenario, but it’s a legitimate concern.  I’m sticking with treatments that have a clearly defined escape plan.

Explaining Irony to Writer’s Digest

Remember a bit ago when I told you how I explained irony to my daughter?  (Reminder: pain relief spray crashed down on her head.)  Well, my writing friends, here’s one for you that just arrived in my inbox.  Enjoy!

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Update – 6/28/2016

I must stop trying to be overly clever.

Perhaps Writer’s Digest University should contemplate taking their “Introduction to Copyediting” course that begins June 30th.  They could apply their new found knowledge to e-mail subjects.

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Thanks Kathy for letting me know that my “joke” fell flat.

Hiatus and Compromise

Oh my dear blogging friends, I have missed you.  The insanity of May flowed into the craziness of June and my poor blog suffered.  In hindsight I should have told you all I was going to be missing from this space, but alas, I just went and left no forwarding address.  Now refreshed and full of stories from a week’s vacation I return ready to blog again.

For starters, let me just say I have finally figured out this “vacationing with a child” thing.  Now, 8+ years of parenting has taught me that the second I utter such words that hubris will destroy me leaving me in the land of horrid vacations for years to come. I shall not be daunted!  I believe this knowledge will endure!  The key to successfully vacationing with a kid is… duh duh duuuuhhhhh…. compromise!  Let’s look at some pictorial evidence from my recent Tour de Soutwest Colorado, shall we?

In order for child(ren) to enjoy the seven mile hike to Lizard Lake, you must first incentivize them with a gnome home contest.  Then, when the whining and complaining part of the hike begins you may be lucky enough to notice a bonanza of snail shells (What?!?  In Colorado in the mountains???  It’s like Mother Nature was on the parent’s side) which will lead to the creation of a snail-shell-walkway which will result in a champion gnome home.  Everyone is happy, especially the gnomes.  Tune in, because I am certain this home will be featured on gnome HGTV for years to come.

Oh, not more hiking.  We adults love hiking, and somehow we think if there is a waterfall at the end the children will like hiking too.  That may work for you, especially if the hike is short and the waterfall is amazing like this one is, but maybe, just maybe, giant inflatable pool toys are more amazing?  Try coupling the success of passing a swim test with an hour of “Water Ninja Warrior” competition – where your child legitimately crushes you on 6 of 6 obstacle runs. (She’s over a foot smaller than me, how was I supposed to fit?  And don’t get me started on her strength to weight ratio….)  The whole way up to that waterfall there will be nothing but joy, especially if you couple the hike with really great rocks in the path.

Oh dear God. You are not done hiking yet?  You want to hike to a cave?  A dark creepy cave?  Well parents, just stick a horseback ride on the front of that cave hike and let Yuma the horse do the majority of the hiking for you. Sure, you won’t be able to walk for a couple days while you develop real understanding of the term “saddle-sore” but your kid will love every minute of the ride there, and then might even surprise you by being the only family member willing to follow the guide “just a little farther into the cave.”  Try not to hang your head in shame while you let your kid go spelunking into the depths of a cave with some guide you met less than an hour before.  She’ll probably be fine and besides, your butt hurts too much to crouch.

EVEN MORE HIKING?!?!  What are you insane?  Is this a death march or a vacation, I ask you?  Well, if you can hike in a creek and, I don’t know, pick up even more cool rocks then maybe you can squeeze one more hike in.   Note: we may have failed on the rock portion of “take nothing but pictures and leave nothing but footprints” goal of hiking, but that’s okay, because you are done hiking now, right.  RIGHT???

Let me tell you, at some point you have to put your butt down.  Sure the top of the sand dunes are very tempting, but that sand is hard to walk on and after awhile there is so much of it in your ears you can’t hear the pleading, “Can’t we just go a little farther?”  Fine, go a little farther, but me and your backpacks of water and snacks are staying here, far away from the sand ledge of death – which somehow didn’t claim my family (or any other lives) during our trip.  You go on to the top.  I’ll wait for you, even without any rocks to gather.