A Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions – One Year Later

On November 7, 2017 By aftheadIn Tiny Knit Presidential ElectionLeave a comment

Last year, in Afthead world, tiny knit Hillary Clinton won a hard fought battle for the presidency against tiny knit Zombie Trump. On this election day, I like to think that their camaraderie, their willingness to work together, and their ability to bring together toys and knit folks of differing opinions is a model worthy of emulation by us non-knit folks.

Vote for Hillary

Vote for Zombie Trump

If you live in the United States, I hope you exercised your rights and voted today. However, regardless of where you live, if you need a little more whimisical fuzziness in your politics, you might enjoy the Knit Presidential Dilemma series: https://wordpress.com/page/afthead.com/17068. It’s one of my favorite pieces.

Post in a series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas. See the sixth post here, fifth post here, fourth post here, third post here, second post here, and the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing patterns! Please visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

‘Twas the week before Inauguration

‘Twas the week before inauguration and all through the city

Porta potties were in place, in case things got shitty.

The streets were all lined with barricades and bleachers

In anticipation of crowds and sign carrying preachers.

Inaugural gowns filled the ritziest store,

Bright red is the color attendees adore.

When in front of Old Abe there arose such a clatter

I quickened my pace to see what was the matter.

The memorial front was flooded with workers

And the sounds that they made was like hordes of berserkers.

The seating appeared to be quietly weeping

As worries and fear inside me were creeping.

Wiping my eyes and turning around

I glimpsed the Trump Tower and started to frown.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a small group of children so tiny and dear.

Their eyes, how they twinkled! Their footsteps were merry.

(One had the diminutive air of a fairy.)

Small tiny steps and one happy turn of a head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

I spoke not word, but resolved to do right.

As for you, D.C. Please fight the good fight.

—

Acknowledgement to Clement Clarke Moore and his poem A Visit from St. Nicholas, otherwise known as the beloved The Night Before Christmas. I hope my version proves entertaining to you readers.

On January 13, 2017January 13, 2017 By aftheadIn stories, Tiny Knit Presidential Election16 Comments

A Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions – Epilogue

On November 13, 2016November 13, 2016 By aftheadIn stories, Tickles my afthead, Tiny Knit Presidential Election11 Comments

It’s over. Rather, they are both over. The human election and the toy election are done and that makes me sad. I’m still processing the results of the human election, but that is a different post. Today I had to clean off my desk to start working on non-Tiny-Knit writing projects again. Many toys have already gone back into circulation, and the knit creatures have been discovered by the cats. I found Tiny Knit Zombie Trump in the corner with his hair ripped off – some feline was pissed and wasn’t afraid to take it out on the little green guy. Before the favorite characters were put away my daughter and I made a final scene to let you know what to expect from the toys throughout Tiny Knit Hillary’s term in office.

Epilogue

Barbie, Knit Snowman, and Knit Owl are very concerned about the number of toys that didn’t vote, and the quality of the voting that did occur. They are going to use the R2D2 supercomputer to help them model how to build a more informed electorate for the next election.

The Santas have loaded up their car with tiny knit Trump hair, ballots, and Santa’s very heavy sack. The hair is going to the toy Smithsonian museum and the ballots to the toy National Archives so that the importance of this election can be remembered. The North Pole is on alert that the naughty and nice list is coming in Santa’s sack and it’s gigantic. Never has Santa seen so much naughtiness and niceness. It’s going to be a tough job to get everything processed before Christmas, but the elves are prepped and ready. Mrs. Claus has even stepped up her baking early to ensure that everyone will be will properly sugared up for the analysis. The next big season is all on the Santas, and they are not going to let the toys down.

Tiny knit Vice President Zombie has put his acorn cap back on and is going to focus on the environment and climate. He’s built a team of creatures impacted by environmental change plus Lego Green Troll to help him determine what policies need to be considered. (Lego Green Troll is still not sure what the black and white creatures are doing on this green team is and getting ready to ask if he can paint them.)

The bad guys are planning to steal President Tiny Knit Hillary’s invisible supersonic jet and take it for a joy ride. Tiny Knit Chicken is going with them because she has always wanted to fly. She is hoping that Santa won’t find out about this last “naughty” act, because she asked for meal-worms for Christmas, and Tiny Knit Zombie told her that he could make that happen if she gave him her “I voted” sticker.

And the new President? What is SHE up to? Well, she’s appointed her chief of staff: Lego Hipster with Crazy Cloak. She calls him Jonas. (You know he’s a hipster because of the beard.) Jonas was a strong supporter during the election, and he can also serve as her Secret Service and head of Department of Defense because of the laser beams that shoot out of his scary red eyes. Having him serve multiple positions is a good way to keep her cabinet small and save the toy tax payers some money. Their first job is to talk to the old polling place lady and see how to streamline the ballot and sticker efforts for the next election cycle.

Everything seems okay, except… wait… What is Lego Mad Scientist up to now? It appears that one of the bad guys has another evil plan, and you know that Lego Mad Scientist still smarts from having his last evil plan thwarted. If his expertly knit candidate were president Lego Mad Scientist would have had an important role in the cabinet. But President Tiny Knit Hillary won’t even talk to him, and that Jonas guy keeps glaring at him with smoking eyes. Undoubtedly Lego Mad Scientist is going to continue to cause problems for this administration.

So there you have it. There are some good things going on and some bad things. The new government is focusing on some issues, but with limited resources they can’t solve all the problems. Hopefully they will move the toys forward more than they move them back, and the next election cycle maybe someone else will come along and focus on the things they let slide. Then those toy elected officials will move the country forward in a different direction so that in the end all the toys feel that their critical needs are being met. That’s the way it is supposed to work.

The End

Acknowledgements

This was about me having fun teaching Afthead Junior about the election process in my own quirky way. I loved making up this story for her, and while I’m sad that we didn’t get to celebrate the first human female president together, I am tickled by how much she enjoyed the story building. She told her class about our toy election and still giggles about the line “…the early bird gets the worm, and the ‘I voted’ sticker“. In four years she might be too cool and I might be to lame for us to do this together, so I’m so grateful that we had this election together. I’m also grateful for her help and ideas during our photo shoots. She’s also a great cat herder. Man, nothing destroys a toy election faster than a one year old cat!

A huge thanks to you readers who went on this journey with me. What a hoot. I loved your comments and your likes. I hope you enjoyed this half as much as I did. Now, back to that novel that needs editing, that short story that needs submitting, and that other short story, and that really hard post about the human election.

Final post in a series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas. See the fifth post here, fourth post here, third post here, second post here, and the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing patterns! Please visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

The Final Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions – Election Day

On November 8, 2016November 17, 2020 By aftheadIn stories, Tickles my afthead, Tiny Knit Presidential Election18 Comments

At last the toys get to elect their leader. Weeks have passed and everyone is tired of arguing with their relatives and watching political ads during live baseball games. At dawn election morning the extremely old ladies who run the balloting office open the door and find a line of voters stretching farther than they can see, even with their glasses on.

The ladies quickly turn to their desk and start worrying:

“We don’t have enough ballots. There are so many people.”

“We can make more.”

“We also don’t have nearly enough stickers, and I promised my granddaughter one.”

“Here, take one before they come in.”

After hiding a sticker under their desk, the two elderly ladies greet the first voter, Tiny Knit Chicken, who knows that the early bird gets the worm, and the “I Voted” sticker.

Each toy steps into the voting booth to pick their leader. With large amounts of disgruntlement and small amounts of election knowledge many toys pick the “Write in” option and enter invalid choices, misspell names, or forget to check the box. The election commissioner will throw out all mistakes without a care. It does not matter to her that it is really difficult to write without opposable thumbs and at most two fingers.

Vote for Hillary

Vote for Zombie Trump

Vote for Santa

Vote for Snowman

Vote for Penguin & Owl

Vote for Hillary

Vote for Santa

Vote for Zombie Trump

Vote for Knit Chicken

At last every ballot has been cast and the election commissioner arrives to tally. She is horrified by the state of the ballots, but in the end the results are clear. There is just one last regulation to check.

Tiny Knit Zombie Trump admires the sticker Tiny Knit Chicken gave him while Tiny Knit Clinton chats with her friends the Old Lego Ladies. Toys mill about waiting to hear the results. As the commissioner approaches Lego Mad Scientist senses that something might be going awry with his master plan, so he moves closer to eavesdrop.

“I have some good news and some bad news for you Mr. Tiny Knit Zombie Trump.”

Tiny Knit Zombie Trump moans and strokes his sticker.

“Due to invalid voting processes 247 ballots were disallowed. When the remaining nine ballots were counted you won our toy election by a margin of 5 – 4.” Before Tiny Knit Zombie Trump can let out an excited groan she continues, “However, the regulations say you must have a registered birth certificate with the election commission and your records appear to be missing. Unless you can produce valid certification I’m afraid you must concede.” She adjusts her pantsuit and the watching electorate wonders if this might be a conspiracy created by a biased commissioner.

Tiny Knit Zombie Trump shakes his head and moans, and Tiny Knit Hillary, who does not wants to win on a technicality, springs into action. She was a former Secretary of State. She has friends all over the world who can help. Boarding her invisible supersonic jet she begins scouring records departments all over the planet looking for Tiny Knit Zombie’s birth certificate.

While flying over the diminished Arctic, her phone rings. It is the commissioner. Lego Mad Scientist has admitted he created Tiny Knit Zombie Trump and, in his excitement, neglected to file the correct paperwork. Tiny Knit Zombie Trump is prepared to forfeit his win to Tiny Knit Clinton.

Tiny Knit Hillary lands her jet and approaches her opponent. In flight she has made a decision. The toys deserve better than to be governed by someone who won only 4/256ths of the vote. She can do marginally better. Wrapping her arm around Tiny Knit Zombie Trump her first act as President is to allow for non-citizens to be Vice Presidents. Together their 9/256ths will govern the toys, and find ways to help the marginalized, the scientists, the evil doers, the green, the knitted, and the non-knitted alike. As the confetti falls the toys celebrate the end of the election. Tiny Knit Clinton wishes she had her binder containing her first 100 day plan so she could add “Change Vice President rule” to the top of the list while Tiny Knit Zombie Trump strokes his sticker and breathes in the delicious scent of Tiny Knit Clinton’s enormous brain.

Fifth and final post in a series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas. See the fourth post here, third post here, second post here, and the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing pattern! Please see http://mochimochiland.com/shop/tiny-zombie-kit/ for the zombie pattern and visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

The Penultimate Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions

On November 2, 2016November 13, 2016 By aftheadIn stories, Tickles my afthead, Tiny Knit Presidential Election14 Comments

At last the tiny knit debate. The two candidates, dressed in their parties’ traditional colors, approach their lecterns with neither a handshake or even an acknowledgement between them. They are rivals. Santa was chosen as the moderator and the candidates and members of the debate audience have been forewarned that he will use his “naughty or nice list” if things get out of hand. The list is in his bag and he’s not afraid to use it.

The debate is similar to the human presidential debates, but there are some marked differences. With no mouths to speak the candidates must express their opinions though wild gesticulation, sighs, head shakes, groans and moans. So, basically what you would have seen on television if you had the human debate on mute.

The toy debate turns to the topic of the environment and climate change. The question is directed to tiny knit Secretary Clinton. She comes armed and displays her tomes of knowledge. Passionately she points out picture after picture of ecosystems decimated by changes in the climate.

Tiny knit zombie stops his moaning and stomping when tiny knit Clinton mentions trees and listens intently. Tiny knit zombie Trump loves trees and the more tiny knit Clinton talks the more he fears for his friends the trees. When Santa asks if zombie Trump has anything to add he reaches beneath his lectern and pulls out his favorite hat: a double acorn cap he found in the forest.

A melee ensues. The evil toys cannot believe that their hand knit candidate is willing to side with his opponent. Fights break out in the audience and even Santa’s shouts of “naughty, naughty, naughty” don’t stop the combatants. Tiny knit chicken tries to hatch Viking’s head. Witch knocks Snowman over and threatens her with a melting potion. In short, it gets ugly.

While Santa tries to regain control over the audience, something amazing happens on stage initially unnoticed by the crowd. Tiny knit zombie Trump and tiny knit Clinton turn and actually look at each other. She admires his hat. He admires her pile of books. They each wonder if the difference between them are really that great. She’s always been an outsider because of her love of research and policy. He’s always been an outsider because he has an unnatural palate, hair and skin tone. Tiny knit Trump realizes he’s a infant in the political arena compared to her, while she considers that his fresh perspective might be good for the toy community.

Slowly he reaches out his hand. She responds by reaching out her own. Together they stand and one by one the toys stop their fighting and watch what their chosen potential leaders are doing on stage. Some are horrified, but others are impressed by their candidate’s willingness to reach across the aisle and put aside differences to find commonality. The election takes an unexpected turn days before the vote.

Forth post in a series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas. See the third post here, second post here, and the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing pattern! Please see http://mochimochiland.com/shop/tiny-zombie-kit/ for the zombie pattern and visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

A Continuing Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions

On October 15, 2016November 13, 2016 By aftheadIn stories, Tickles my afthead, Tiny Knit Presidential Election23 Comments

Frustrated with their tiny knit presidential candidate situation the bad guys and evil Lego figures took matters into their own molded plastic hands, as evildoers so often do. If no tiny knit Trump was going to be an option for them, they were going to create a leader they could follow. As a surprise to everyone, mad scientist Lego has some pretty decent skills with the double pointed needles.

Voila! Tiny knit zombie is complete and was presented to the leaderless toys, but something didn’t seem right. While tiny knit zombie was evil and green he just didn’t seem presidential. How would he attract undecided voters? Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of a zombie – even a mouthless zombie who can’t eat brains – as president. They needed to do something to improve his image.

Mad Scientist turned to the real human election for inspiration, and with just a few stitches tiny knit zombie became a viable candidate.

Complete with red tie and a distinctive toupee, the toys present tiny knit Trump-like zombie candidate! Now there is a brain enjoying leader any toy can support, or that’s what these guys hope. Let’s see how he does against tiny knit Hillary in the debate. In the meantime, we are going to keep him away from the baby toys, because the way he “kisses” their head makes the mommy toys a bit uncomfortable. It’s like he’s smelling veal as he caresses their little heads. Hopefully he can overcome that flaw.

Third post in a potential series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas. See the second post here, and the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing pattern! Please see http://mochimochiland.com/shop/tiny-zombie-kit/ for the zombie pattern and visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

Another Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions

On October 10, 2016November 13, 2016 By aftheadIn stories, Tickles my afthead, Tiny Knit Presidential Election8 Comments

I just couldn’t make a tiny knit Trump last night. I turned my back on my plans at the last minute. The debate started and my double pointed needles refused to be sullied with Trump yarn.

Then, the unexpected happened when a certain subset of toys revolted. It turns out some Lego figures – with ringleaders mad scientist, witch, and Viking – joined with The Joker, Little People The Joker, and Two Face to violently protest tiny knit Hillary being the only candidate in our household.

It’s chaos here. Tiny knit Hillary is safe, and recovering, but we need a second tiny knit option for president. Who could have anticipated this turn of events?

Second post in a potential series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas. See the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing pattern! Please see http://mochimochiland.com/2016/09/free-pattern-tiny-trump-and-tiny-hillary/ for the pattern and visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

A Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions

On October 8, 2016November 13, 2016 By aftheadIn stories, Tickles my afthead, Tiny Knit Presidential Election14 Comments

Have you seen the amazing Mochimochi Land knit presidential candidates? The maker of my favorite tiny knits released this adorable free pattern the day of the first presidential debate. I was smitten! What a perfect project to distract me from the debacle our United States election has become.

tiny-candidates — Image from Mochimochi Land

My plan was to knit one candidate during the first debate and the other during the second debate. I didn’t feel like I had the right Trump skintone yarn, so I started with Hillary.

Isn’t she adorable? My daughter thinks she looks like a mermaid, because her legs are so short. It took exactly one debate to go from yarn to tiny first-woman-supported-by-a-major-political-party-for-president. I was a bit miffed when big unknit Hillary walked out to debate in a red pantsuit (Hello! Did someone neglect to tell the candidates about their party color schemes?) but I stuck with Democrat blue for tiny knit Hillary.

Now here’s my problem. I intended a balanced approach to this knitting project, but did you happen to see the news this weekend? I’m not sure I want a tiny knit Trump in my female majority household. Now, tiny knit Trump doesn’t have a mouth (neither does tiny Hillary) so I won’t need to worry about him saying distasteful things, but will I be able to leave him alone? Will he make inappropriate moves on the Barbie Dolls? What about the Lego Friends girls? Will they be safe? What if Ken and the Lego boys see tiny knit Trump act disrespectful and think his behavior is okay? Do I want my toy room to become a hostile environment like that? Or do I believe that was all part of tiny knit Trump’s past and now he’ll follow a script and be respectful. Such a knitting dilemma.

Suggestions are welcome. In the meantime the toys are conferring.

Even the dorks get a vote

On April 24, 2016April 24, 2016 By aftheadIn Uncategorized10 Comments

My mother. Her lessons on how the world works are tiny seeds planted throughout my life that grow and change producing new life lessons as the years go by.

In grade school, I think third grade, I got a hankering that I needed to run for Student Council: some minor position, like Treasurer or Vice President. I put my campaign posters, buttons and speech together with the idea that I had a few key people I needed to impress and I’d win for sure. My target were the kids that everyone wanted to sit with at lunch, play with at recess and get invites to their birthday parties. As my mom helped me get ready to run she offhandedly mentioned this life lesson-to-be, “You need to remember, even dorks get a vote.”

I remember being affronted by this at the time. Of course you had to get the popular kids to vote for you because everyone does what the popular kids do. As the popular kids go, so goes everyone else. They were the ones who dictated that Outback Red and Forenza were the things to wear, and the next year when the rest of us wore our new Outback Red sweaters the first day of school they showed up in OP. My mom, what did she know?

Well, she knew a lot. She was head girl of her senior class in high school, so I should have known that she understood a thing or two about rallying people around you. Of course, being a kid growing up in the 1980s, I had no idea what a head girl was and wasn’t curious enough about my foremother’s accomplishments to find out. My only student council campaign run ended when I was beaten by the cool kid running against me. I had neglected to realize that my opponent already had ties to the kids I was trying to impress: the same kids who didn’t notice me on a daily basis.

When I look at the United States national political scene today, I realize that all the candidates – no the major political parties – need to sit down and talk to my mom, because the backlash they are seeing is that the dorks are tired of not getting a vote. The dorks are wising up to the political process and realizing that their right to a vote has been absconded with and they want it back. The dorks are worried about their families. The dorks want to ensure a world where their kids have a chance at a better life than they had. The dorks don’t understand why they keep working harder, longer hours and can afford less each year as the cost of living rises more than their annual piddling raises. The dorks wonder why the people who run our country spend most of their time rubbing elbows with themselves, the top 1%, and lobbyists, and only bother to talk to us when they sit down at a diner on the campaign trail. The dorks really just want to eat their eggs and drink their coffee and not be a sound bite for the candidate’s daily propaganda.

The dorks don’t understand PACs or SuperPACs, but are willing to throw a hard-earned buck or two to Bernie Sanders because he’s a dork like us and maybe he thinks our lives matter. The dorks support Donald Trump because he’s different. He may not say the right thing, but the dorks are tired of polished mealy mouthed politicians and want someone who speaks the language of the people, which is angry and sometimes crass right now. I find it hard to believe that anyone really wants a wall, but everyone wants something big, something different, and something to change because we are frustrated. I can only imagine the backlash if the Republican Convention goes to a brokered convention and the cool kids get to pick whatever cool kid friend they want for the nomination. Talk about denying the dorks their vote.

So listen Hillary, Ted, and whatever Republican candidate that is waiting in the wings to claim the cool kids nomination let me try to channel my mom here. You’ve made a great run at building an exclusive club of insiders that kowtow to the privileged few in this country, but the dorks are tired of being ignored. Even if an establishment person becomes president, it’s not going to make the dorks happy. You may go live in your big white house, but if you don’t start doing your job representing the entire country’s needs and keep pretending that bickering with the other party is your most important job, there is going to be hell to pay, because the dorks are ready. We are ready for a collaborating centrist leader and we will support him or her with our votes, our pocket books and our voices. We are hungry for one brave leader to eschew the big dollars behind the two major parties and stand up and represent us, the no longer silent majority.

It may not happen this year, but it will happen if the dorks continue to be ignored. This isn’t elementary school anymore. We are done with the cool kids.

Photo courtesy of jamelah e. and provided under Creative Commons License. My apologies to the photographer if the dork movement does not correspond to his/her views.