Afthead at the White House

On December 28, 2016 By aftheadIn Best Day Ever, Uncategorized15 Comments

Dear readers. The weeks before Christmas are chaotic and filled with high expectations, high demands, and fun…fun…fun. So when a work trip pops up the answer is inevitably no, unless the request comes from the White House. Yes, my friends, you read that right. I was invited to the White House. Now let me get a couple of questions out of the way:

Yes, I went on the work trip two weeks before Christmas.
No, I did not get to meet the President or the First Lady.
No, I did not get to hug Joe Biden, even though that was Afthead Junior’s number one request.
No, I did not sit in the Oval Office. In fact, I didn’t even make it to the White House building. My meeting was in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building or EEOB seen on the right, behind the many fences, in the image below. It is very close to the White House, and still pretty darn impressive, as you will see.

After checking in with security, being sniffed by a dog, x-rayed, and being checked by security again I was presented with my official credentials, that I had to return, and the badge I still wear everywhere except to sleep because it is pokey.

Do you see that? It says “The White House.” Then it says “Johanna Levene.” That’s me! The weird part about being in the EEOB – I am so official using the acronym – is that once you get through all of the security you just get to wander around this insanely cool old building. All the important rooms are locked with a badge reader – like the Vice President’s office, so one couldn’t just wander in for a hug – but you can just walk into many of the historic rooms if there isn’t a meeting going on.

The ceilings are impressive.

The stairwells are impressive.

The library is impressive.

The conference rooms are impressive. This is part of the Secretary of War Suite.

The wallpaper is impressive.

I am impressive (and very smiley, because my badge says White House.) I cannot believe my Christmas cards were made before I got this picture. Maybe next year….

But the computers are archaic. Just kidding. Oddly there were flat screen TVs in all the conference rooms, and they looked completely out of place. However, in the Secretary of War Suite there was also this little set up in case you brought your typing skills, or some ink and parchment and wanted to pen a founding document real quick.

After my meeting – yes I actually participated in a four hour meeting in addition to taking all these pictures – I ate lunch in the coffee shop (lunch at the White House); tried to get into the Truman bowling alley (locked); and bought a bunch of Christmas presents at the White House gift shop. As I left I came the closest to the actual White House itself, so of course I took a picture. Yeah, that’s the West Wing there on the other side of the parking lot. Wave to President Obama. Then I turned around and snapped a picture of the EEOB one last time, because you can’t get this angle unless you are a White House visitor.

This was my first White House invitation in my thirteen year career, and the best part about the meeting is that it was actually important I was there. This was no gratuitous White House invite. I briefed my boss’s, boss’s, boss’s….on and on… boss before the meeting, and he used my talking points in his presentation. I got to speak. I made a call to action. It was pretty darn cool. I think I deserve a congratulatory pat on the afthead.

In case you are interested in learning more of the history of the EEOB or White House check out these great sites:

West Wing Tour: https://www.whitehouse.gov/about/inside-white-house/west-wing-tour

Eisenhower Executive Office Building Tour: https://www.whitehouse.gov/about/inside-white-house/eeob-tour

Solstice Gift

On December 21, 2016December 21, 2016 By aftheadIn Best Day Ever9 Comments

My husband raced downstairs tonight with happy crinkles decorating his eyes. “I have a present!” he announced.

My daughter waited in anticipation, but I didn’t even need to ask. Only one thing could make him so happy: our chickens laid their first egg a month before we expected it, and on the shortest day of the year no less. A week after temperatures didn’t reach 0 Rosie decided it was time to make an egg. (Well, we think it was Rosie. Even though she is the youngest in our flock her comb and waddle are the most developed, which is supposed to indicate egg laying readiness.)

The upside? Well, the beginning of eggs of course. The downside? My chickens have trumped any hope of me being responsible for delivering the true joy of Christmas this year for my family. I’ve been trumped by a bird. My daughter is running around singing, “All I want for Christmas is another egg…another egg… Oh! Another eeegggg.” My husband semi-jokes that he’s going to sleep with the egg tonight. There is nothing wrapped or planned that can match the miracle of the first egg this season.

I think I have a tiny bow downstairs. Maybe I’ll stick that on the tiny precious gift and call it good. (Or is that what they call gilding the lily?)
Happy solstice everyone! May your own families be as lucky as the Aftheads and have their hearts filled with whatever gives them joy this week.

Bart the Cat LIVES

On December 18, 2016December 18, 2016 By aftheadIn parenting13 Comments

Two weeks ago Bart the cat headed back to the shelter. I was going to be out of town and he had procedures planned: bandage change followed by cardiology appointment. He was still very sick when I left him sneezing and bandaged. My soul hurt not knowing if he was getting better, going to be diagnosed with a fatal heart murmur, or dying from complications due to his other problems. Right before I left on my trip the shelter called: Bart was doing okay, but couldn’t go to the cardiologist until he was 100% healthy, which he was not. They mentioned he would likely need foster care again, if I was willing when I got home.

I decided I was willing. From Washington DC I e-mailed to let the foster folks know I was heading home and could pick Bart up if they needed me. An emphatic “Yes” was delivered to my inbox. When I arrived last Tuesday he was bandage free, upper respiratory infection free, but his nose was a bloody mess. Having had a snotty cold for three weeks his nasal passages were a wreck, so I was told to take him home, get the humidifier on him, and bring him back in a week if his nose stopped bleeding. Only then could he get his heart murmur evaluated. (He also can’t be actively bleeding at the cardiologist.)

Well friends, I’m here to tell you that I might not be the cat grim reaper. Look at this beauty! Bandage gone, bloody nose gone, fur free of blood, and Bart cleans up quite well. Almost a week of damp kitty humidification action and he looks like a cat that will find a home in no time.

I’m so happy. This was what my foster experience was supposed to be. The shelter and I worked in partnership to make Bart well. I’ll take him back Tuesday night and the cardiologist will evaluate him Wednesday. If all goes well he could be up for adoption Wednesday night. This boy could have a new home by Christmas, and I’m actually hopeful for the first time in my foster career. The best part is that even though he loves my daughter I don’t feel like he’s our family’s cat. While I’ll be sad when we leave him Tuesday it all worked out the way it was supposed to: Bart was sick, we got him healthy and he and his huge purr will make some family an amazing pet. I still don’t think that this is the best way for our family to help make the world a better place, but I feel healed knowing that our first litter was bad luck, not some kind of horrible cat curse.

If you are in the Denver area and in search of a new cat, drop me a message. I can hook you up with a winner. Mr. Bart will steal your heart away.

Afthead Holiday Party

On December 10, 2016 By aftheadIn Best Day Ever, Uncategorized12 Comments

I’ve just finished cleaning up from my third annual holiday party. Yep, me, the introverted Afthead throws a holiday party every year, but it’s my kind of party. I pick up five of my daughters friends after school and we craft for four hours. I am their hostess, their coach and their mentor as they learn new skills making gift for themselves, their friends, and their families.

Every year I have a plan. I buy supplies: yarn, pipe cleaners, beads, and Popsicle sticks. In the days before the party my daughter and I make sample projects and test out what is too hard, what doesn’t really come together, and what we can reuse from last year. The event begins with an after school snack while I casually lay out the demo items we’ve created, showing what they could make for their mom, sister, dad, or grandpa. Some things grab their attention, and some things don’t, but ten minutes into the party it isn’t about me anymore: it becomes all about them. I hand them each a gift bag to store their loot and they start crafting.

It is a marvel to behold, an experiment in personalities. We hand select friends who can sit and craft for four hours with breaks only for food and to find the scissors. Learning from our past mistakes girls who want to be the center of attention or who can’t sit still aren’t invited back, because there are lots of parties where you can dance on the table, chase friends or wear pretty dresses. This party is different; I and the girls love it.

This year we hit the perfect mix of guests. There were two new girls on the invite list. I taught one to finger knit and she was a prodigy. Four hours she stood in her snow boots looping yarn over her tiny fingers. She went home with three scarves. The second new girl sat on the floor cross-legged making pom-pom after pom-pom: methodically winding the yarn around one arm of the puffball maker, closing it; winding the other arm, closing it; finding the good scissors, cutting the loops; and tying the yarn around the middle. She’d wiggle the contraption apart and out would pop another pom pom. Then she’d find another yarn and do the whole process again.

The evening’s transition is magical. They start the day calling for my help. Every one of them needs me, my hands, and my expertise. Impatiently they wait calling out Coach Johanna, Jo Jo, Mom, Mrs. Johanna, but by the end they are helping each other and I am forgotten. Today, with an hour left in the party, I was unexpectedly called. They explained that a timer needed so the girls could prepare for a rendezvous. Having no idea what they were talking about they explained, with the condescension of children, what they are learning about Colorado history right now. In case you are also ignorant:

Rocky Mountain Rendezvous (in trapper jargon) was an annual gathering (1825–1840) at various locations held by a fur trading company at which trappers and mountain men sold their furs and hides and replenished their supplies.

The timer rang, and the girls set up shop to trade their precious crafts with each other. There were no fights, no arguments, lots of compliments, and it was all their idea. I contributed cookies to the event, which they appreciated, while letting me know my presence was not needed.

I learn so much from them. Beyond expanding my knowledge of western history, I learn perspective about my daughter’s own strengths and weaknesses in the light of her friends. I learn more about the challenges and struggles they each have and they have together. I learn how each of them has grown and changed since I last had concentrated time with them. But I get to teach too. I teach them that it is important to be kind to each other. I teach them that we don’t have and Elf on the Shelf, because our family thinks the elves are creepy, but we don’t judge their family for having one. I teach about our joint Christmas and Hanukkah celebration. I teach them the wonder of making something with your own two hands and using your brain to take an idea and make it your own. I hope I teach them that even as a grown up there are lots of different ways of having fun with your friends.

This is the one party every year when I don’t worry about what to wear, I don’t need a drink to loosen me up, and I don’t want to hide in my basement to recover. Cleaning up from the event I love the dustpan full of yarn bits and googly eyes. My daughter, having helped and chatted with her friends, starts her projects in earnest when everyone leaves. She’s watched her friends and picked her favorite ideas to make over and over. My extroverted daughter and her introverted momma are both energized when the evening comes to a close.

You can have your cocktail dresses, your high heeled shoes, your signature drinks, and your white elephant gifts. Me? I’ll take a group of kids and some glue for as long as they will have me.

If at First you Fail Spectacularly

On December 5, 2016December 5, 2016 By aftheadIn childhood, Uncategorized25 Comments

Fostering cats. It’s the one thing in life that I can look back on and say, “Well, I sucked at that.” Last year five tiny baby kittens were taken into my care and four died three different ways. I broke when the fourth one had to be euthanized and kept the last one to heal my heart. She has since become a beloved member of our household.

For the past year I’ve held onto this failure. I have to admit that I have dubbed myself the Cat Grim Reaper. I’ve lurked on the foster parent group on Facebook and watched litter after litter of healthy kittens grow and thrive under other foster parents care. I’ve watched sick and hurt cats become sleek and healthy. Quietly I’ve kept my training up to date in anticipation that I was going to try again. Once and for all I was going to cement my definition of the kitten event: bad luck or killer.

Our local shelter just had an influx of animals and needed foster parents to take sick, but not dying, animals home to make room for the new really sick animals. With little input from my family or friends, I volunteered to take one of the cats. He has an upper respiratory infection, his leg is bandaged hip to foot, he just got neutered, and he has a heart murmur that needs to be evaluated once he gets over the other ailments. His name is Bart and he’s a beautiful long haired light grey cat. He loves my daughter and has a purr that vibrates his whole body when she pets him.

As Bart snores away on the other side of the bathroom door – he is quarantined because of his infection – I’m not confident that he’ll make it. He hasn’t gotten better in the five days in my care. We’ve had to change antibiotics, and he’s not eating. The plan was to take him back to the shelter Tuesday to have his heart murmur evaluated, but already they are saying I might have to keep him longer because he’s not improving. He is living in a mist of water vapor as I try to keep his nasal tissues from bleeding each time he sneezes.

Thursday I dreamed Bart was playing with my parent’s cats, and woke with one thought in my head, “This is too much.” Fostering is just too much for me, for my family, and for my other cats. I hate saying that. I feel like some aristocrat looking down her nose at hard work and saying, “Oh no, I can’t do that. It’s hard and messy and time consuming and inconvenient.” No part of me doesn’t feel like a failure. But I’ve had to put a litter box in my bedroom to stop our cats from peeing and pooping on my bed, because the presence of the foster cat near their normal boxes makes them nervous. My daughter sits stroking his soft fur with tears running down her face. “I’m going to miss Bart,” she says. I drive back and forth to the shelter to drop him off and pick him up so his bandage can be changed. I wipe bloody snot off our walls, off of my daughter, and off his fur. The truth of the situation is that this is not our path, and not our way to help. Bart will be our last foster and if he dies I will take the mantle of Cat Grim Reaper and wear it, but I will not partake in a third foster experience. I will find other ways to make the world a better place.

It isn’t all terrible, don’t let me mislead you. There are moments like this. I hope that Bart recovers and some amazing family gets to enjoy this giant purr for years to come.

For all those who care for shelter animals, either at the shelter or in their homes, I applaud you. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I wish you all the strength and courage to keep doing what you do.

Personality Evolution

On December 4, 2016December 4, 2016 By aftheadIn Management Monday, parenting12 Comments

infp-personality-type-header — Image from 16 Personalities.

People, people, people. The past few days I’ve been obsessed with personality and character, which is not in my comfort zone. As someone with a degree in engineering who works with a bunch of computer programmers I have spent my life interacting with other humans (because cyborgs aren’t perfected yet) but not always understanding other people. In my work space I use personality tests and data to try glean information about those around me. I’m really fond of the Strength Finder analysis and Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). Oftentimes with those two pieces of data I feel more comfortable knowing those around me.

The one bummer about Myers-Briggs is that it’s ridiculously expensive, and depending on the year my company may or may not foot the bill to let new people take the test. Well, this week one of my colleagues sent out a link to 16 Personalities. You get a Myers-Briggs-ish result at the end, with an additional “identity” trait and it’s free! The price point is great, and there is an added benefit of a really spectacular website design. In about 10 minutes I’d answered all the questions and got my result: INFP-A, The Mediator.

Reading through the results they seemed as accurate as any of those test are, but the F shocked me. My entire life I’ve been a thinker (T), not a feeler (F). (The third letter is either thinking or feeling.) When I first took Myers Briggs in 1999 I was an INTJ (Introversion, Intuition, Thinking, Judging.) From the MTBI website:

INTJ: Have original minds and great drive for implementing their ideas and achieving their goals. Quickly see patterns in external events and develop long-range explanatory perspectives. When committed, organize a job and carry it through. Skeptical and independent, have high standards of competence and performance – for themselves and others.

About 10 years ago I took the test again, and had shifted slightly. My structure, or how I deal with the outside word, had changed from Judging (J) to Perceiving (P). I went from being settled and organized to being more flexible and spontaneous. I was always on the borderline there, neither a strong J or P, so the switch didn’t really surprise me. Also, my husband is a pretty strong J, so I think I naturally needed to provide some flexibility in our family unit.

The rest of my traits have always been pretty cemented. I am a pretty strong introvert (I), I love interpreting information (N) and when I make decisions I am logical (T). For example, I used a spreadsheet and a formula to name my daughter: happy to send you a copy if you want to try it out. When I need to make decisions I take squishy ideas and turn them into hard numbers, then evaluate those numbers to make sure that I’m not just making a decision on a whim. I was confident those three character traits defined me, until now.

This new test has me at 59% feeling, so not really even borderline. The 16 Personality site says,

Feeling individuals are sensitive and emotionally expressive. They are more empathic and less competitive than Thinking types, and focus on social harmony and cooperation.

Okay, well I am still not sensitive and emotionally expressive, but the rest of the definition seems pretty spot on. I am regularly commended at work for not needing to get credit for my work and collaborating. My team is built on maximizing everyone’s strengths and acknowledging that we all bring very different but important skills to our work. I, as the manager and client liaison, am not more important than our programmers, analysts, testers, or system administrators. We all provide critical pieces to our work in different ways. Similarly, as a parent I’m the one who listens to the woes of third grade and says, “Man, that sounds so hard. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” My husband, a T, has a million suggestions for every conflict.

So I’ve had this new personality suit I’ve been wearing around all weekend to see how it fits. For highly-self aware people I’m sure that news like this isn’t even news, but for me having a new definition of who Johanna Levene is will take some adjusting. I’ll continue to dig through my results, and compare it to my husband’s and my kiddo’s to better understand our family dynamics. As people at work take the test and share their results I’ll figure out if that changes the needs and work of our team. I’m also going to research if the differences between MTBI and 16 Personalities to see if may there is a difference in methodology.

All that said, I did have a moment of clarity with these results, that might help with my whole writing in a closet dilemma. According to the 16 Personalities site, Mediators are led by their interests, and not rewards and punishment.

At their best, these qualities enable Mediators to communicate deeply with others, easily speaking in metaphors and parables, and understanding and creating symbols to share their ideas. Fantasy worlds in particular fascinate Mediators, more than any other personality type. The strength of their visionary communication style lends itself well to creative works, and it comes as no surprise that many famous Mediators are poets, writers and actors.

Oh… well at least that helps explain this insatiable need I’ve had over the past three years to start writing and telling stories. Because really, this new passion of mine is really incongruent with an INTP/INTJ personality type. See, eventually my inherent N trait will sort this all out…unless I become an S someday…

If you take the test I’d love to hear your thoughts on your results!

Editor’s Block

On November 23, 2016November 23, 2016 By aftheadIn Publishing Process, Weekend Writing13 Comments

I got past my reader’s block in July and quickly moved into the next phase: editor’s block. In this phase I stared at my 99,000 word manuscript and tried to figure out how to eat the editing elephant. I would scribble word changes and deletions because I didn’t know what else to do. I paid good money to learn how to write a query letter and sent my first 10 pages to an agent. (This was through Writer’s Digest and I thought it provided great insight into the publishing process. If you are almost done with editing and want to try conventional publishing this is a great resource.) My assigned agent, Mary C. Moore, gave me some good tactical advice: vary my sentence structure; keep prose active; don’t over explain smaller actions of characters; be aware of slow pace; and, most importantly, “Keep going with this, you are on the right track!”

Armed with things to do, I made a goal to finish editing by Christmas. I only needed to edit 3 pages a day. Time passed and I didn’t edit so the goal became 5 pages per day. Time passed and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. It was like I had a plan to swim the
English Channel. All I needed to do was swim an additional 100 meters every day but I didn’t know any strokes, didn’t have a swimsuit, and couldn’t identify water. Despondent about my book progress and a host of other things I turned to my family therapist. She told me to do two things: come out of my writing closet and find a writing group. I’ve talked with other bloggers about writing groups, and while not enthused about the idea, I felt like I needed to find some experienced writing peeps to help me. Minutes into my Google search I found Lighthouse Writers, a local “community for writers and readers.” I joined, and then on a whim physically visited their space. This wonderful woman stopped what she was doing, and joyfully took me on a tour of the amazing historic mansion that houses their program. Lucky me, a four week session was just starting, and in it was a class called The Big Edit which promised to “turn the amorphous process of cleaning up your draft into a manageable practice.” Gasp! Of course it was full, so I got on the wait list.

Providence does not put all these magical pieces in place just to snatch them away, so four days before the start of class a space opened. Eleanor Brown, the author of the New York Times bestseller The Weird Sisters is the teacher and in the first fifteen minutes she laid out a process that made total sense. She explained how we would edit in at least four passes. We’d start with the Big Picture, move to Characters, then to Pacing and end with Copy and Line Editing. (This means that I don’t have to worry about commas until the very last editing pass. Hip hip hooray!) This process isn’t quick, but I am okay with that. I’ve spent years on this book. I can invest another year so long as I’m moving forward.

bigedit

Not only has she given me a process to follow that makes total sense, but she’s also promised to help us discover our strengths and weaknesses as writers. Through the class we’ll understand if we are good at theme, story, character, or pacing. She’ll give us tips for adding editing passes for things like dialogue, humor, flashbacks or description that will help address weaknesses. We will make a plan which allows us to stay focused and organized while developing a feeling of progress the same way we felt progress when writing. We even have homework! (I’m excited by this even though anyone who experienced my school days knows I hate homework!) Here’s a picture of my first completed assignment: developing a theme card that I can hang above my writing space to remind me what my book is about.

In 2015 I came up with a list of nine things I needed to do to get my book published. I’m still on step 2, having vastly underestimated the scope of the editing step. But I have a plan now and cannot tell you how amazing that feels. I have book hope for the first time in ages. There is work to do, and I know what that work is. I finally agree with Ms. Moore’s statement, “Keep going with this, you are on the right track!” Time to get to it. I’ve still got more homework.

Reader’s Block

On November 20, 2016November 20, 2016 By aftheadIn Publishing Process6 Comments

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away I wrote a novel. Well, I wrote the novel right hear on planet Earth, not far way, but it was finished over fifteen months ago, which is a long time ago. As a novel writing novice, I thought the step from first draft to publication was a small one. Following the advice provided by Stephen King’s On Writing, I sat down to read my whole book in one sitting after giving myself a nice break. I had my pen ready, and prepared to make a few brief notes as I fell into my book.

I’m a great reader. I love novels. Short novels, long novels, well written, good plot, and why-the-hell-don’t-I-stop-reading-this-drivel novels: Twilight series, I’m looking at you. I love them all. No iota of my mind was worried about this step, the reading of my book. Oh, silly me. Reading MY book was nothing like reading A book. I would sit down to read and become stuck in the land of commas, verb tense, and sentence structure. Hours would pass and I would have “read” a few measly pages. This scenario happened over and over. I couldn’t read my own book.

Finally in July inspiration hit. You can email files to your Kindle and read them on your device. I have known this since I got my first Kindle and used to send technical reports to it when I wanted to do a last cut for readability. (If you want to try this for yourself, check out the Send to Kindle page.) The solution worked. Unwilling to mark up my Kindle screen with annotations I was able to read my book. I also did this while I was on vacation so my access to paper and writing implements was limited. Gloriously, many of the pacing issues I thought I had disappeared when I wasn’t distracted by note taking. At times my book was good, and once or twice it was really good. I did come up with a few big picture things I wanted to fix, which I think is the point of the first big read.

Hooray! Problem solved. Now all I had to do was edit, which in On Writing takes two measly pages. You look for big plot holes, awkward character motivation, and ask big questions while you edit. After two drafts you bestow your book on your ideal reader. Easy peasy. Folks, let me tell you that I have been struggling with how to execute those two pages for five months now. I have begun to understand that King’s book was called On Writing and not On Editing for a reason.

I needed help, because I’d moved past Reader’s Block into Editor’s Block. Have you ever found yourself in either place? If so, I’d love to hear your solutions. Keep reading and I’ll share how I am clearing out the blockages.

My first of a series on reader’s and editor’s block.

A Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions – Epilogue

On November 13, 2016November 13, 2016 By aftheadIn stories, Tickles my afthead, Tiny Knit Presidential Election11 Comments

It’s over. Rather, they are both over. The human election and the toy election are done and that makes me sad. I’m still processing the results of the human election, but that is a different post. Today I had to clean off my desk to start working on non-Tiny-Knit writing projects again. Many toys have already gone back into circulation, and the knit creatures have been discovered by the cats. I found Tiny Knit Zombie Trump in the corner with his hair ripped off – some feline was pissed and wasn’t afraid to take it out on the little green guy. Before the favorite characters were put away my daughter and I made a final scene to let you know what to expect from the toys throughout Tiny Knit Hillary’s term in office.

Epilogue

Barbie, Knit Snowman, and Knit Owl are very concerned about the number of toys that didn’t vote, and the quality of the voting that did occur. They are going to use the R2D2 supercomputer to help them model how to build a more informed electorate for the next election.

The Santas have loaded up their car with tiny knit Trump hair, ballots, and Santa’s very heavy sack. The hair is going to the toy Smithsonian museum and the ballots to the toy National Archives so that the importance of this election can be remembered. The North Pole is on alert that the naughty and nice list is coming in Santa’s sack and it’s gigantic. Never has Santa seen so much naughtiness and niceness. It’s going to be a tough job to get everything processed before Christmas, but the elves are prepped and ready. Mrs. Claus has even stepped up her baking early to ensure that everyone will be will properly sugared up for the analysis. The next big season is all on the Santas, and they are not going to let the toys down.

Tiny knit Vice President Zombie has put his acorn cap back on and is going to focus on the environment and climate. He’s built a team of creatures impacted by environmental change plus Lego Green Troll to help him determine what policies need to be considered. (Lego Green Troll is still not sure what the black and white creatures are doing on this green team is and getting ready to ask if he can paint them.)

The bad guys are planning to steal President Tiny Knit Hillary’s invisible supersonic jet and take it for a joy ride. Tiny Knit Chicken is going with them because she has always wanted to fly. She is hoping that Santa won’t find out about this last “naughty” act, because she asked for meal-worms for Christmas, and Tiny Knit Zombie told her that he could make that happen if she gave him her “I voted” sticker.

And the new President? What is SHE up to? Well, she’s appointed her chief of staff: Lego Hipster with Crazy Cloak. She calls him Jonas. (You know he’s a hipster because of the beard.) Jonas was a strong supporter during the election, and he can also serve as her Secret Service and head of Department of Defense because of the laser beams that shoot out of his scary red eyes. Having him serve multiple positions is a good way to keep her cabinet small and save the toy tax payers some money. Their first job is to talk to the old polling place lady and see how to streamline the ballot and sticker efforts for the next election cycle.

Everything seems okay, except… wait… What is Lego Mad Scientist up to now? It appears that one of the bad guys has another evil plan, and you know that Lego Mad Scientist still smarts from having his last evil plan thwarted. If his expertly knit candidate were president Lego Mad Scientist would have had an important role in the cabinet. But President Tiny Knit Hillary won’t even talk to him, and that Jonas guy keeps glaring at him with smoking eyes. Undoubtedly Lego Mad Scientist is going to continue to cause problems for this administration.

So there you have it. There are some good things going on and some bad things. The new government is focusing on some issues, but with limited resources they can’t solve all the problems. Hopefully they will move the toys forward more than they move them back, and the next election cycle maybe someone else will come along and focus on the things they let slide. Then those toy elected officials will move the country forward in a different direction so that in the end all the toys feel that their critical needs are being met. That’s the way it is supposed to work.

The End

Acknowledgements

This was about me having fun teaching Afthead Junior about the election process in my own quirky way. I loved making up this story for her, and while I’m sad that we didn’t get to celebrate the first human female president together, I am tickled by how much she enjoyed the story building. She told her class about our toy election and still giggles about the line “…the early bird gets the worm, and the ‘I voted’ sticker“. In four years she might be too cool and I might be to lame for us to do this together, so I’m so grateful that we had this election together. I’m also grateful for her help and ideas during our photo shoots. She’s also a great cat herder. Man, nothing destroys a toy election faster than a one year old cat!

A huge thanks to you readers who went on this journey with me. What a hoot. I loved your comments and your likes. I hope you enjoyed this half as much as I did. Now, back to that novel that needs editing, that short story that needs submitting, and that other short story, and that really hard post about the human election.

Final post in a series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas. See the fifth post here, fourth post here, third post here, second post here, and the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing patterns! Please visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.

The Final Knit Dilemma of Presidential Proportions – Election Day

On November 8, 2016November 17, 2020 By aftheadIn stories, Tickles my afthead, Tiny Knit Presidential Election18 Comments

At last the toys get to elect their leader. Weeks have passed and everyone is tired of arguing with their relatives and watching political ads during live baseball games. At dawn election morning the extremely old ladies who run the balloting office open the door and find a line of voters stretching farther than they can see, even with their glasses on.

The ladies quickly turn to their desk and start worrying:

“We don’t have enough ballots. There are so many people.”

“We can make more.”

“We also don’t have nearly enough stickers, and I promised my granddaughter one.”

“Here, take one before they come in.”

After hiding a sticker under their desk, the two elderly ladies greet the first voter, Tiny Knit Chicken, who knows that the early bird gets the worm, and the “I Voted” sticker.

Each toy steps into the voting booth to pick their leader. With large amounts of disgruntlement and small amounts of election knowledge many toys pick the “Write in” option and enter invalid choices, misspell names, or forget to check the box. The election commissioner will throw out all mistakes without a care. It does not matter to her that it is really difficult to write without opposable thumbs and at most two fingers.

Vote for Hillary

Vote for Zombie Trump

Vote for Santa

Vote for Snowman

Vote for Penguin & Owl

Vote for Hillary

Vote for Santa

Vote for Zombie Trump

Vote for Knit Chicken

At last every ballot has been cast and the election commissioner arrives to tally. She is horrified by the state of the ballots, but in the end the results are clear. There is just one last regulation to check.

Tiny Knit Zombie Trump admires the sticker Tiny Knit Chicken gave him while Tiny Knit Clinton chats with her friends the Old Lego Ladies. Toys mill about waiting to hear the results. As the commissioner approaches Lego Mad Scientist senses that something might be going awry with his master plan, so he moves closer to eavesdrop.

“I have some good news and some bad news for you Mr. Tiny Knit Zombie Trump.”

Tiny Knit Zombie Trump moans and strokes his sticker.

“Due to invalid voting processes 247 ballots were disallowed. When the remaining nine ballots were counted you won our toy election by a margin of 5 – 4.” Before Tiny Knit Zombie Trump can let out an excited groan she continues, “However, the regulations say you must have a registered birth certificate with the election commission and your records appear to be missing. Unless you can produce valid certification I’m afraid you must concede.” She adjusts her pantsuit and the watching electorate wonders if this might be a conspiracy created by a biased commissioner.

Tiny Knit Zombie Trump shakes his head and moans, and Tiny Knit Hillary, who does not wants to win on a technicality, springs into action. She was a former Secretary of State. She has friends all over the world who can help. Boarding her invisible supersonic jet she begins scouring records departments all over the planet looking for Tiny Knit Zombie’s birth certificate.

While flying over the diminished Arctic, her phone rings. It is the commissioner. Lego Mad Scientist has admitted he created Tiny Knit Zombie Trump and, in his excitement, neglected to file the correct paperwork. Tiny Knit Zombie Trump is prepared to forfeit his win to Tiny Knit Clinton.

Tiny Knit Hillary lands her jet and approaches her opponent. In flight she has made a decision. The toys deserve better than to be governed by someone who won only 4/256ths of the vote. She can do marginally better. Wrapping her arm around Tiny Knit Zombie Trump her first act as President is to allow for non-citizens to be Vice Presidents. Together their 9/256ths will govern the toys, and find ways to help the marginalized, the scientists, the evil doers, the green, the knitted, and the non-knitted alike. As the confetti falls the toys celebrate the end of the election. Tiny Knit Clinton wishes she had her binder containing her first 100 day plan so she could add “Change Vice President rule” to the top of the list while Tiny Knit Zombie Trump strokes his sticker and breathes in the delicious scent of Tiny Knit Clinton’s enormous brain.

Fifth and final post in a series of tiny knit presidential dilemmas. See the fourth post here, third post here, second post here, and the first post here.

Thank you to Anna Hrachovec for the amazing pattern! Please see http://mochimochiland.com/shop/tiny-zombie-kit/ for the zombie pattern and visit her site at http://mochimochiland.com/.